24

As I am preparing to help Bobbi with her New Years Resolution, I am forced to examine my life. Bobbi used to be a client of mine. We started working out together in October of 2008, through our training session we became friends. Bobbi's New Year's Resolution was to photograph people who are influential in her life. Bobbi is a photograph and had gotten to a point in her career where photography wasn't fun any more. She challenged herself to change that in 2010. Photograph what she loves.

Her first victim was Annie, a doctor who has a blog herself. If you love food, you will love thisblog. Annie is a hard worker and I honestly feel like I know her from her blog and Bobbi's blogabout Annie. If you don't love Annie after this, then you don't know good photography.

Back to an examination of my life. Bobbi challenged me to think of what defines me. Instantly I said exercise, running, swimming, and biking. My next thought was, I am not pretty when I get done exercising. I am a hot mess.

I know sexy right...

Over the past two years, I have grown into the person I am today. Over the past two years, I have learned to be independent, stand up for myself, push myself beyond where I thought possible (I mean read any previous post). I wish I could better communicate how much I have grown.

While at Hanover, I made amazing friends. These friends have been there through thick and thin, and I don't know what I would do without them in my life. I turn to them when I am happy, sad, anxious, excited. They have helped shape the person I am today. They helped to give me confidence to be myself, and not to worry about those who don't like what they see.

After graduation, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. At the time, I felt like my world was ending, but I had to do it. I had to stand on my own two feet. I had to learn who I was without him. It was the best thing that I have ever done for myself. I stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down waiting to jump. I jumped, and it felt good.

I forced myself outside of my comfort zone again, and again. Pushing further and further to see what I liked, what I desired. It was scary, but amazing. I decided to sign up for my first 5K, October 2008. I had healed myself through running. I would run to get away from the emotions and thoughts building up in my head. I could process things just by running. After the adrenaline rush of the start gun, I was hooked. I then ran a 5K with my dad. I felt stronger than I had in a long time, both mentally and emotionally. After that 5K, I was ready to sign up for a half marathon. May 2009, I ran the Indianapolis Mini Marathon. I worked my way through a 14 week training program, running 3-4 days/week. I crossed that finish line, and had no one to thank but myself.

I couldn't believe that this girl, has come so far. I couldn't have gotten to this place without the support of my friends, family, and coworkers.

After the Mini Marathon, my coworkers talked me into training for the Go Girl Triathlon. I thought, I used to swim when I was younger, I just ran a half marathon, I like biking. Sure, I can do this. The training was grueling, but I was up for the challenge. The day of the race comes, and I am psyched. My dad was there helping me get my transition area set up, walking through the course, and being supportive. I swam the 500 meters almost completely doing breast stroke, powered through the bike and the run, only to cross the finish line in tears. I pushed myself further and harder than I ever thought possible. I had put myself up to the challenge and succeeded. I later found out I finished third in my age group. Shocking! The girl that didn't make the 7th grade volleyball team, and got cut from varsity volleyball in high school. I had proven something to all those that doubted me.

I went on to compete (not complete) in the Fisher FAST Triathlon, to finish first in my age group. I came home that morning and told Jason, he needed to build a trophy cabinet. After the Fisher's Tri, I was hooked. Sarah asked me if I wanted to do a Half Ironman, and I agreed. I had nothing to lose. I saw how far I could push myself, and knew I had enough support and strength to go even further.

I completed the White Lake Half Ironman in seven hours and 20 minutes. It was the hottest, and most humid day I had raced in, and felt the side effects for days after. I was mentally and physically prepared to take on the White Lake Half. I came out of the water with an ear to ear smile on my face, struggled through the bike. My saving grace was Barnes and John finding me on the bike course. They were able to drive next to me for a few miles. I entered the run, ready to turn back as soon as I hit the first mile. I stood at the first mile aid station for what seemed like 5 minutes collecting myself, and giving myself a pep talk. I can do this, I came this far not to quit. I moved on to mile two, three, four, and finally found my legs. I was moving now. I get almost to the half way point and see a sign. On a bright pink neon sign, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. I got an instant knot in my throat. I am strong enough, and I have God at my back. Helping me along. I hit the turn around point, and completely forgot about this woman's sign until I saw it again. I saw it at the right moment when I wanted to stop for the millionth time. I can do this, I have strength. I started praying the rosary in my head. Again instant knot in my throat. I am running past the camp ground, and I can hear the announcer calling out people's names as I near the finish line. I turned into the camp ground and start to feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I am on the last tenth of a mile on my way to completing the biggest task I have set in front of me to date. I hear my Gramma to the left of me, and hear my mom to the right. I continue to run past the finish line and into my dad's arms. I start crying, I feel my dad put my medal around my neck and start to cry himself. I just completed the biggest challenge yet. I can do anything I put my mind to. There is no telling where I will stop.

As I look back on who I am as a 24 year old, I am overjoyed. I have accomplished so much more than I ever thought possible. I have an enormous amount of love in my life. I am so blessed to have an amazing and supportive family. Wonderful and deep friendships, and supportive coworkers. As I embark on the next phase of my journey, I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I will always have love in my life, and always have support. As a 24 year old, I am damn proud of who I have become. I couldn't have become this person with out my family, and friends. So when I am 50 and looking back at Bobbi's project, I want to remember, how fearless the 24 year old Kristen was, and how determined she was.

Dear 50 year old Kristen,

Never lose sight of your dreams, and always know the love you have.

With love,

24 year old Kristen

Two Days Away

So it is finally here. All the hard work, and all the hours exercising, and giving up on food, and friends at times to exercise. Looking back it has been a journey. I long journey. I am not going to sit here and say it was easy. It was hard.

Last night I think my nerves finally got the best of me. I was stressing out about how I am going to pack everything, and how I am going to do, and how well the race is going to go. Finally I realized, I have worked this hard, that I just need to complete the race.

Not a lot of other people in my life can say that they have done this much. Now I am not saying that I am better than my friends or family for doing this, but I am just saying, I have put a lot of work into this. I set this goal, motivated by peer pressure, to complete this Half Ironman Triathlon. I put together a plan, and executed the plan. Up to this point, I didn't think much about the emotional impact this goal would make on me. I just thought of this goal, like many of my client's goals. This is goal x, these are the steps you need to take to get to goal x. Yes there are bumps on the road to get to goal x. Yes I hit some of the bumps hard, and even fell off my bike (literally). I did forget the small part about feeling the steps to get to goal x, and feeling the success of achieving goal x.

So over the next two days, as I get ready to complete my goal of a Half Ironman, I need to start feeling more. It is about the journey, not the destination. To tell you the truth, the journey has pushed me beyond where I thought I could go, and taught me more about myself, than any other experience, even college.

I can not wait to cross that finish line and run into the arms of my biggest support group, my family! My mom, dad, sister, and gramma! Not to mention one of my best friends from college! Here goes and wish me luck!

Tuesday's Workout

So, I don't think I did what I was supposed to for my workout.

Predicted: 1 Hour 15 Minutes Biking

Actual: 445-60 minutes.

I went on a bike ride with my boss and co-worker. It was a lot of fun to ride with them. So I guess if anything they helped me be comfortable around other bikers.

Then I went to see Hot Tub Time Machine. Came home, and was in bed by 12:30. I woke up at 8:20, groggy. Right now I am feeling better after checking email, and stalking facebook.

Today I have to swim something crazy and run 40 minutes (20 minutes tempo run).

This weekend I am doing a Sprint Triathlon up in Carmel IN!

Three Weeks Away

So I have been majorly slacking on writing for my blog. I guess I have been busy with living my life. When I say living my life, I have been working out, a lot. Then the Final Four came to Indianapolis, which was super fun. There were so many activities to partake in. I, however, only participated in drinking activities. I also want you to know there was a huge rain storm that blew through so I didn't end up going to see Darius Rucker. I did end up going to the Bud Light Tent to watch Butler demolish Michigan State. Well, it was a close game. It was so exciting.

Now you know where I have been let me tell you what I realized tonight.

As I was 20 minutes from completing my run, I thought to myself, I really want to document this experience. I have three weeks of training left, and really this week is the last big week before my competition (or should I say completion) of my first (and maybe only) Half Ironman. Just as I started to feel like I was carrying around 200 pounds and moving through mud, a man passed me and just say keep it up and clapped. It was so inspirational. It also helped that I was watching the sun set. It just put me in a wonderful mood. Listening to Dave Matthews Band, watching the sun set and being motivated to keep going by a stranger. Why do people not like running?

Here is my training this week so far...

Sunday, April 11, 2010: Run 55 minutes. Feeling good, challenging run, hot, but good overall.

Monday, April 12, 2010: Swim 1200m with my boss at 8am, 24 minutes. It was a challenging swim, but it helped that she was right there next to me, passing me.

Run 55 minutes at 7:30pm, tiring. My body was aching, bloody (yep, chub rub from Sunday exacerbated by today's run).

I came home tonight starving because I went too long without eating. I now have a headache from not eating soon after work. After eating everything in sight (I am talking 800-900 calories), I filled my bathtub with cold water, grabbed Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin. After fifteen minutes of sitting in cold water my legs feel a little better.

I hope I can mentally and physically prepare myself in the next three weeks, while staying healthy.

Love The Life You Have Been Given

I have been MIA from this blog for awhile. I would like to say a lot has been going on since I last posted, but really I have just been training and working. It seems like a boring life.

Last night when I was running after work two things hit me. First this isn't the life I had imagined living. This realization hit me hard, I didn't think I would be doing what I am doing, working where I am working and I didn't think I would be single right now. I think this realization has helped me understand when I have been so stressed out right now. I am conflicted with wanting the life I had imagined two years ago, and the life I am playing out everyday.

Two years ago I was getting ready to graduate Hanover, I had a long term boyfriend, I had finished my comprehensive exams, and my IS was pretty much completed. I was living life and truly enjoying it. In my mind, I thought I would get married to my boyfriend, and we would be starting our lives together. This did not happen, and if I would have seen all the red flag before, I would have realized this was not going to happen.

I am thankful that I was able to see the dysfunction of our relationship and move on with my life. I have learned so much about my character in the past two years that I don't think would have been possible with him. I would have stayed in the comfortable place for the rest of my life.

The second thing I realized when I was running last night was that I need to start enjoying the life that I am living right now. This is not to say that I don't enjoy life currently, but I am always planning for the next step, and not enjoying the moment. For example, a few weeks ago I was doing a brick workout (bike, then run). I just completed a one hour bike ride, and was getting ready for a 30 minute run. I ingested some honey, chased it with cool water, and headed out for my 30 minute run. I was 10 minutes into my run when I started to feel guilty for running. There was so many things on my to-do list, that I was wasting my time running. I was planning ahead for the rest of my evening that I didn't enjoy the run.

It is hard to enjoy everything that is going on with my life right now because I am also waiting on everything to fall into place. Over the past few months I have been applying to Occupational Therapy Schools. I can not take the next step until I know (1) if I have gotten into school and (2) where I will be going to school. It seems like everything is on hold. I have been checking my email multiple times a day wanting to see an email from any school. My life has become off balance because my moves seem to depend on the reply from schools. I never knew it would be this hard to wait.

Recently I have been getting up a little earlier than I need to so I can enjoy the quite time before my day. It has been helping me become more focused on myself, and peaceful. In college, I would sleep until the last possible second. I would allow myself enough time to put on clothes and walk to class while eating my breakfast. Now I have started to enjoy watching the sun rise, while taking care of myself.

Where I'm At

So as I was writing up my training program for the week, I realized a few things. I have been working extremely hard at training for this half ironman. I can't believe how much I have pushed myself, and how dedicated I am to this. Although it has been very grueling, I want to work at this.

I set this goal, of completing a Half Ironman (key word, completing) back in September. I didn't know it would be so much work, or take such a big time commitment on my part, but I set this goal. September of last year, I had just finished my second sprint triathlon, and finished first in my age group. I was flying high, and thought that I could achieve anything.

I guess I should reveal something extremely personal. I am afraid of failure. Now, this might not seem like that big of a fear, but this is what motivates me, sometimes too motivating for me. The fear of failure, has been magnified by doing this training. I have always used this fear of failure to motivate me in school, and in life. I do not want to disappoint anyone for my failures. So in turn I would push myself to keep working harder, nothing was and is ever good enough. Now you might be thinking, "Oh Kristen, you are wonderful and a hard worker, don't put yourself down!" This isn't the case, it is just a realize I came to during my training. As painful as it is to see that I have put so much pressure on myself to "succeed", whatever that means, I have a least recognized it. I am willing to recognize this fear of failure, and everything that goes along with it, in order to relax a little and enjoy life more.

So here is another week of intense training.

Recovery Week

So I have made it through 4 weeks (well almost 4 weeks) of triathlon training. It has been a rough and rocky 4 weeks. I had a few minutes before I have to head into work, and wanted to just comment about the journey this has been already.

I'm sure you could tell by my last post that I was getting tired of working out. Working out had become a chore for me, and I didn't enjoy it. That is never a good thing, well at least for me.

This week something in my attitude changed. My workouts don't seem like a chore, they are at least fun. This might have something to do with the fact that the amount of exercise required for this week is reduced. I was able to get 60 minutes of biking and running in yesterday on my break, and it felt so good. I am usually able to get 45 minutes, 50 tops. However, I was able to start my workout earlier than normal. I spent 20 minutes on the bike. Hopped off, ran for 20 minutes, and then got back on the bike to round out my hour. While on the bike the second time around, I was envisioning what the Half Ironman would be like...

Imagining coming out of the water, and entering Transition 1 with a smile on my face.
Ripping part of my wet suit off on the run towards my transition area.
Standing on my towel while I finish peeling my wet suit off.
Fastening my helmet securely on my head.
Wiping my feet off enough to put my above the ankle socks on,
latching my race belt, so my number is behind me.
Lifting my bike off the rack, and running towards the end of the transition area.
Feeling myself clip my bike shoes into the pedals,
the sun is shining warmly on my back as I feel strong entering the bike course.
I can do this!

I read an article about believing in the goals, or resolutions you have set for yourself. Taking a small part of your day to envision yourself feeling strong on race day. This small part of your day can be before you get out of bed in the morning, right before you fall asleep at night, taking a shower after you are finished with a workout, or while you are preparing for your race in your day to day exercises. I challenge you to try this, even if you are not training for a triathlon. Envision yourself delivering a speech, or turning in the final draft of your book you have been working on. Try it, it is such an empowering and uplifting practice that makes you feel like you can go out and conquer the world.

Have a healthy Friday!