Sunshine

So last night I had a wonderful night with my friends. As Dani was driving me home, I told her that I am happy. Although, I have a ton of stuff to do, I am overall happy. I am glad I decided to move to NC, to pursue school, and to have faith that everything would work out. I guess I am just thankful that I have made it through the journey thus far.

I just got back from church and I have a mix of emotions running through me. I thought I better write it down to feel better before I jump into my schoolwork. The reading was from Matthew 5:1-13, the beautitudes. My favorite. There is just something about this reading that makes me realize that I am loved.

I got my tattoo on my foot so that when I felt like no one loved me and I was crying, I would look down at my foot and see that heart. I would be reminded that no matter what God always loves me. When Father Justin was praying over the bread and wine, something struck me. He said something to the extent of God thank you for loving us, and loving us even more when we were lost.

I went through a period of my life where I didn't go to church, and just lived my life different. One of the turning points was meeting Zach. I am sitting here listening to Jarrod Niemann, What do you Want from Me. Funny. My relationship with Zach made me realize that I am a beautiful human being, not just a quick lay. I can be in a relationship and be valued for my character instead of my physical features. Although they are an added bonus. My inner character is what I want to work on. What I want to make "prettier".

So although I say I am happy, it has been a tough journey because I am trying to make my inner being "prettier". I have had more self-reflection in the past five months that I have the past five years. I am trying to figure out what makes me happy, what sets me off, how to recognize emotions and deal with those emotions instead of expressing them in an ugly way. Although, I still struggle with fear, I am able to recognize emotions I never could before.

My goal this week is to open my heart to God's love, and bring balance to my life.

Tears

So I guess I have kind of been avoiding this post all day. I wanted to write earlier, but didn't. I took a bath instead of writing. I am a little dulled by the emotional roller coaster I have been on the past few days.

I left home after spending three weeks living at my parents house. To say this was smooth sailing would be a lie. Although it wasn't horrible, I was made aware of how soon I may lose my mother. I just hate to see how horrible a diet she has, her sedentary lifestyle, and the amount of weight she has put on since I started college. She also continues to smoke, and I need to forgive her for this, but it is tough. My dad also denies that anything is wrong, and is just living his life. I am assuming like he has always done.

I also left home knowing and feeling the love from my family and friends. I am just so lucky to have amazing friends from Hanover, and amazing family (with their flaws and everything).

I also left home with a different perspective on how to fight effectively. Amy and I almost got into it, but thankfully for Rachel I was able to keep things at a conversation level. I also was proud of myself for not talking about additional issues and keeping it to the topic at hand. I went to bed crying like I used to in high school. I also woke up with puffy eyes like I used to. With every decisions you are mourning the decision you did not make. i.e. a new way a fighting vs. fighting the old and familiar way

I took off from Indianapolis and was sitting in a window seat bound for Charlotte. I saw my mom wave from the airplane as we pushed back from the terminal. I waved backed knowing she wouldn't see me. I instantly started crying. Tears were streaming down my face. I cried again right before we landed in Charlotte.

Yesterday was stressful and emotionally overwhelming. I was unpacking and trying to get everything in order for the semester. I was also trying to come to terms with everything that had happened at home. I got my stuff together enough and headed to church. It was so nice to be back and to see friends that I had made from first semester.

So last night I finally messaged a pending friend request. We messaged back and forth and finally nothing more came. If you are familiar with the song What Do You Want by Jarrod Niemann you can understand the hurt and pain from not having another message. It was like I was losing pending friend request again.

Real Housewives of ATL ended, and I was just sitting in my bed, practically paralyzed. I check facebook one last time to see if maybe, just maybe I had another message. Nothing. I am hurt and bruised all over again. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I not stay strong and avoid talking to pending friend request?

I'll tell you why...I have never, NEVER felt the emotional connect I did with pending friend request. I can't kick it. I have tried to ignore it. I have tried to stay extremely busy (which is easy to do in grad school). My mind would drift to this connection from time to time, and I would look back fondly as I would any previous pending friend request. My relationship with God completely changed because of pending friend request. Although I lost my way with another relationship, I found my way back with pending friend request. It is hard to leave this. Before I was stronger because of the hurt, now I want to continue to explore. To continue growing in faith with pending friend request.

Then the other side of my brain is saying, take it at just that. You grew with out Scott, it was difficult, but you did it. You are stronger because of it. You have so many friends in place to help me explore my faith, why can't I be content with this?

I want to tell pending friend request f**k you, I want to talk, and start over. You crushed me, and broke me down. I was completely lost immediately after this ended. I never thought it would happen to me. I believe this relationship would be in place for awhile, and was hoping it would be. I felt like I needed that shoulder, needed that crutch. I knew deep down in I could move to NC without the help of anyone, but I moved to NC with the help of you. You helped me realize that it is God that is always there to help.

I am scared to death I will not find anything like this. Any relationship where I can be completely candid about my feelings about faith and about my relationship with God. I want to raise a family that has a strong Catholic upbringing, just like my parents did. This is extremely important to me.

All along, pending friend request, I have wanted you to come back. Do I explore this and become one of those girls that aren't strong enough? I made this mistake too many times with Scott. I do not want to do it again. Why do I continue to forgive people? Why do I want the best for others? Will I attract someone like my mother, whom I want to change and help find their way?

Well, now I have completely gotten my mind rolling, and I will again struggle to fall asleep. I hope I don't see 1am again.

One last thing,

I prayed the rosary last night with so much emotion. I just let the tear flow. It was 4 months of stress lifted from my shoulders, three weeks of adjusting to my family, and 7 days of worrying about pending friend request. I felt so much better.