Monday, November 15, 2010

I Believe I Came To Know You For a Reason

So the previous posts have been in response to my body image and my stress level. I realized with the help of a great friend yesterday thatit is so easy to attack our outward appearance instead of the real issues. So I forced myself to examine the real issues I was upset.

I am homesick. Not really Indiana sick, but that state of mind homesick. I miss my family, badly. It all came to a head when I realized fully that I wasn't going to be able to go out drinking with Amy for her birthday. I broke down in tears over
skype when I saw Amy and my parents together on her birthday.

School was really stressful the past two weeks. It was probably the most insane two weeks I have had in grad school thus far. I had a neuro exam, my first competency, a research exam, an occupation and movement exam, my methods second due, activity analysis, and movement analysis activity. It was crazy to say the least, and it really made me focus on everything negative.

I really had to focus, yet find time for myself, but I had to take time for my happiness. I was able to go to a Military Ball, and had an amazing time. This is when I realized how homesick I was and how much I wanted to be adjusted to living in North Carolina by now.

I am not 100% okay with living in North Carolina. This has been a huge adjustment, and I have had to take classes on top of the adjustment. It is tough to uproot yourself from everything you have ever known and move to somewhere you know no one. Barnes is 2 hours away, but all in all I didn't know anyone in Greenville or North Carolina for that matter. I put an enormous amount of pressure into myself to perform well in school, adjust quickly, and make friends. Basically, I should do well in school, I should adjust to living in North Carolina over night, and I should make amazing friends in two months. I have had to really step back and realize that this is unrealistic. This is really tough to realize, and I still struggle with it. As with everything else, I SHOULD be there, but I'm not. I let the SHOULDS dictate my life.

The SHOULDS are rules and guidelines I feel like I SHOULD be following. I love to plan, and the SHOULDS are a way for me to plan and know what to expect. There is not clear cut map we are handed about how our lives should play out. Yesterday, as I was running with Erin, I realized this journey of grad school is about the unknown. This realization is the biggest source of stress for me, yet the biggest source of adventure for me. Erin helped me realize God has a plan for each of us. After I got home from running, I found this little devotional and it really brought everything together. Although I am a textbook Type A personality I found this comforting...

"God wants you to know that nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be. You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty--to be alive means to not know."

My life is so much fun and so unpredictable at this point. I need to embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the moments I have for what they are. I will never get those moments back, and if I spend those moments planning for the next, I will wake up one day and realize my life is over and was spent planning. As I drove home from the Military Ball I had the biggest smile on my face. Not because I fell in love with my date, but because my life is so fun. It is so unpredictable, and never in a million years did I think I would be in a different state pursuing my dreams, skipping class to go to a Military Ball, and waking up with wine stained lips. So thank you to everyone here in Greenville, and from "home" for loving and supporting me through all this stress and strife. It will all be worth it in the end. I believe I came to know each of you for a reason. You each have something to teach me or have taught me and brought me to this point...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

How did I do?

So I have been thinking about my last post all week. It has been that little voice in the back of my head all week. It also helps that two of my classmates and roommate also stopped me and told me they read it. I was very open and honest about everything. It was a little frightening to realize how vulnerable posting this on facebook made me, but I am glad I did. Having my friends come up to me and say they read my post, without passing judgement was extremely helpful. I felt more accountable. As a side note, I am very blessed to have such amazing people in my program.

So how did I do?
Here were my short term goals for the week...
Workout Monday
Check...I only went swimming because I forgot a sports bra, but remembered my swimsuit. So no lifting. I also forgot a hair tie. Two things that could have been excuses, but they weren't. I am really proud that I went swimming Monday. It felt good. I also came home made dinner (which I ate the rest of the week), and then went to the study session.
Study neuro from 11-3
Check...This one sucked. But I got most of my studying done.
Write down my food 3 out of the 7 days
Check...I did Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. This was a tough one. I ate like crap on Friday. I also caved and ate Dr. Lust's cookies. If I project my hatred for the class toward her cookies and treats in the morning maybe this will help in avoiding them.
DID NOT DO! I told you I hate flossing. I think I might have done this one night. Okay, pause, I am going to go floss right now.

Okay, I seriously just flossed.

I am happy that I was able to achieve my goals from last week, yet I am still upset with my physical appearance. It is so tough being on the other side of things. I have been the personal trainer and heard everything (and I mean everything) I am writing. I stood in front of the mirror and decided I need to keep on this path. It will be slow, I know that. Ask any of my clients. I need to stay motivated and I will lose this weight.

Here are my goals for the next week...
Workout Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.
Included in one of those workouts is a BOSU workout in my room (sorry roomies)
Write down food 3 out of the 7 days. Log one of the days in
Do not eat any sweets from Dr. Lust or my classmates
Floss (I'll keep that one on there)

This is going to be a hard week. I have a research quiz Monday, occupation and movement quiz Tuesday, my methods section due Wednesday, and activity analysis due Friday. I think the biggest challenge will be working out Monday and Tuesday. I already know I will be worried I won't be studying enough and that working out time could be better allocated as studying/working time. I must take time for myself!

I know I can do this! I did a Half Ironman!