Monday, November 15, 2010

I Believe I Came To Know You For a Reason

So the previous posts have been in response to my body image and my stress level. I realized with the help of a great friend yesterday thatit is so easy to attack our outward appearance instead of the real issues. So I forced myself to examine the real issues I was upset.

I am homesick. Not really Indiana sick, but that state of mind homesick. I miss my family, badly. It all came to a head when I realized fully that I wasn't going to be able to go out drinking with Amy for her birthday. I broke down in tears over
skype when I saw Amy and my parents together on her birthday.

School was really stressful the past two weeks. It was probably the most insane two weeks I have had in grad school thus far. I had a neuro exam, my first competency, a research exam, an occupation and movement exam, my methods second due, activity analysis, and movement analysis activity. It was crazy to say the least, and it really made me focus on everything negative.

I really had to focus, yet find time for myself, but I had to take time for my happiness. I was able to go to a Military Ball, and had an amazing time. This is when I realized how homesick I was and how much I wanted to be adjusted to living in North Carolina by now.

I am not 100% okay with living in North Carolina. This has been a huge adjustment, and I have had to take classes on top of the adjustment. It is tough to uproot yourself from everything you have ever known and move to somewhere you know no one. Barnes is 2 hours away, but all in all I didn't know anyone in Greenville or North Carolina for that matter. I put an enormous amount of pressure into myself to perform well in school, adjust quickly, and make friends. Basically, I should do well in school, I should adjust to living in North Carolina over night, and I should make amazing friends in two months. I have had to really step back and realize that this is unrealistic. This is really tough to realize, and I still struggle with it. As with everything else, I SHOULD be there, but I'm not. I let the SHOULDS dictate my life.

The SHOULDS are rules and guidelines I feel like I SHOULD be following. I love to plan, and the SHOULDS are a way for me to plan and know what to expect. There is not clear cut map we are handed about how our lives should play out. Yesterday, as I was running with Erin, I realized this journey of grad school is about the unknown. This realization is the biggest source of stress for me, yet the biggest source of adventure for me. Erin helped me realize God has a plan for each of us. After I got home from running, I found this little devotional and it really brought everything together. Although I am a textbook Type A personality I found this comforting...

"God wants you to know that nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be. You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty--to be alive means to not know."

My life is so much fun and so unpredictable at this point. I need to embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the moments I have for what they are. I will never get those moments back, and if I spend those moments planning for the next, I will wake up one day and realize my life is over and was spent planning. As I drove home from the Military Ball I had the biggest smile on my face. Not because I fell in love with my date, but because my life is so fun. It is so unpredictable, and never in a million years did I think I would be in a different state pursuing my dreams, skipping class to go to a Military Ball, and waking up with wine stained lips. So thank you to everyone here in Greenville, and from "home" for loving and supporting me through all this stress and strife. It will all be worth it in the end. I believe I came to know each of you for a reason. You each have something to teach me or have taught me and brought me to this point...

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