Sunday, January 30, 2011


So last night I had a wonderful night with my friends. As Dani was driving me home, I told her that I am happy. Although, I have a ton of stuff to do, I am overall happy. I am glad I decided to move to NC, to pursue school, and to have faith that everything would work out. I guess I am just thankful that I have made it through the journey thus far.

I just got back from church and I have a mix of emotions running through me. I thought I better write it down to feel better before I jump into my schoolwork. The reading was from Matthew 5:1-13, the beautitudes. My favorite. There is just something about this reading that makes me realize that I am loved.

I got my tattoo on my foot so that when I felt like no one loved me and I was crying, I would look down at my foot and see that heart. I would be reminded that no matter what God always loves me. When Father Justin was praying over the bread and wine, something struck me. He said something to the extent of God thank you for loving us, and loving us even more when we were lost.

I went through a period of my life where I didn't go to church, and just lived my life different. One of the turning points was meeting Zach. I am sitting here listening to Jarrod Niemann, What do you Want from Me. Funny. My relationship with Zach made me realize that I am a beautiful human being, not just a quick lay. I can be in a relationship and be valued for my character instead of my physical features. Although they are an added bonus. My inner character is what I want to work on. What I want to make "prettier".

So although I say I am happy, it has been a tough journey because I am trying to make my inner being "prettier". I have had more self-reflection in the past five months that I have the past five years. I am trying to figure out what makes me happy, what sets me off, how to recognize emotions and deal with those emotions instead of expressing them in an ugly way. Although, I still struggle with fear, I am able to recognize emotions I never could before.

My goal this week is to open my heart to God's love, and bring balance to my life.

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