Friday, August 19, 2011

Start of Another Year

Well here I am almost another year older. Getting ready to start my second, and final year of Occupational Therapy School. I am filled with more anxiety than last year. Last year everything was new and exciting. I was ready to be back in school, ready to pursue my dreams. Currently, my head is spinning with negative thoughts, thoughts of not being able to be successful, thoughts of failing and not feeling like I will be able to lead a fulfilling and meaningful life.

The irony of this thought process is Occupational Therapists are supposed to help people live more meaningful and fulfilling lives. I am learning how to help people live this type of life all while I am not successful at living said life, rather not feeling like I am living a fulfilling and meaningful life.

As I was home during our "summer break", I was reminded of what my life used to be like before school. I didn't make much money, but I did make more than my loans provide for me now. I didn't really have any real responsibilities. Yes, I did have rent to pay, loans to repay, and other living expenses, but it never felt like responsibilities. I worked Tuesday-Saturday and had two days where I did not need to think about work at all. It was wonderful. I could visit with friends and family and not feel guilty for how I spent my time. I rarely thought "I should be more efficient with how I am spending my time". Well until I started back in school, that is how I felt. Maybe I am just remembering things differently. Maybe I am thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Needless to say, it was really hard to come back to Greenville.

I have had some low level anxiety about being back, about not working hard enough, and I already feel behind on my school work. SCHOOL DOESN'T START UNTIL TUESDAY, I DON'T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK YET! I am doubting my abilities. And as an aside, those of you thinking I will drop out, you clearly don't know me.

New Year's Resolution
1. Have more faith in my abilities. I am smart, quick on my feet, and will graduate.
How I will implement...Along with my nightly gratitude list, I will write at least one thing that I am grateful for in terms of school
2. Find a balance between school, social life, relationship with John, and exercise.
How I will implement...Mentally separate these aspects. The old check your attitude at the door. Yes sometimes this will overlap, but I need to be appreciative of each moment I spend in my day.
3. Give a good effort to my classes, and thesis.
How I will implement...This will simply take me saying to myself I have tried my hardest with what I have. NO THINKING, IF I WOULD HAVE CUT OUT x I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO STUDY y MORE MINUTES!!
4. Take a few moments for myself each day.
How I will implement...I will set aside 5 minutes to do deep breathing, or yoga without distractions (no cell phones).

Well tonight is my birthday party. It is 80s themed! So excited!
Until next time

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