Tuesday, April 12, 2011


So I got really sad last night and really started missing my Hanover friends. I attributed it to the big wedding that happened this weekend in Louisville, and that I was down here missing out on the party. I brushed it off and just said I would be over it tomorrow. Well, hello tomorrow, thank you for coming, but the sadness is still lingering.

I woke up this morning smiling because I was thinking about my day yesterday and my weekend with my parents. Plus every morning I wake up when the sun is shining in my room. I used to love this in Phi Mu when the sun would shine in the rackroom. I would snuggle up with my blankets and be grateful that I was given another day, and the sunshine. I get out of bed this morning eat breakfast and decide I need to take my bike out before the rain comes. I get a nice, but short bike ride in. I get back to a text message from twitter, and I am kicked right back into that funk. I feel left out.

I chose to move down here to pursue my dreams. I knew it would take sacrifices, but I didn't fully understand how much I would miss out on. I know my life is moving forward without my Hanover/Indy friends, and their lives are moving forward without me, but it just hurts. I am sad I don't know some of the things I would if I lived up there. I am sad that "the phone works both ways". I am worried that I am focusing too much on my life down here and growing that life and forgetting about my friends. I am worried I am not balancing my life properly. I am mad that I haven't been calling Meredith on Sunday nights. I am mad she isn't calling me either. I am mad that I am not using the phone properly. I am mad that my friends are calling me either. Yes, I am busy, but never too busy to have a little catch up time. Is that why you aren't calling me? I am mad that I had no clue Rachel and BJ were getting their pictures done by Bobbi. I am mad that Bobbi didn't tell me either. Am I no longer important in your lives? Is that what is happening? Do you feel like you are no longer important in my life?

I think these feelings have always been there, but I think it has been intensified because I had to say goodbye to my parents. I am scared that I am going to fuck up things with John. I am scared I am going to become too depressed and no one will ever love me. I feel extremely vulnerable. Now I am at a crossroad. I can choose to let these emotions of sadness, and fear consume my day, or I can recognize them for the next few moments and move forward.

Moving forward, I need to recognize that with every decision in my life I have to grieve a decision I did not make, as well as the sacrifices that come along with it. I decided to move down here, I knew it would be hard. I am following my dreams and am truly happy this is the path I choose. The reward in the end will be great. Happiness and acceptance has to come from within. I can do this.

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE YOU!!! I got upset about a similar thing the other day and Dan said, "Ali, being in a different location shouldn't change your friendships." In other words, just because you don't see or talk to friends every day or week or month, the strong bond/friendship is still there! AND when you DO see/talk to that friend, everything falls into place. We're getting older and everyone goes through different "waves" of life at different times...but the strong friendships survive! So simple, but true.

    Love you, lady!