Last night when I was running after work two things hit me. First this isn't the life I had imagined living. This realization hit me hard, I didn't think I would be doing what I am doing, working where I am working and I didn't think I would be single right now. I think this realization has helped me understand when I have been so stressed out right now. I am conflicted with wanting the life I had imagined two years ago, and the life I am playing out everyday.
Two years ago I was getting ready to graduate Hanover, I had a long term boyfriend, I had finished my comprehensive exams, and my IS was pretty much completed. I was living life and truly enjoying it. In my mind, I thought I would get married to my boyfriend, and we would be starting our lives together. This did not happen, and if I would have seen all the red flag before, I would have realized this was not going to happen.
I am thankful that I was able to see the dysfunction of our relationship and move on with my life. I have learned so much about my character in the past two years that I don't think would have been possible with him. I would have stayed in the comfortable place for the rest of my life.
The second thing I realized when I was running last night was that I need to start enjoying the life that I am living right now. This is not to say that I don't enjoy life currently, but I am always planning for the next step, and not enjoying the moment. For example, a few weeks ago I was doing a brick workout (bike, then run). I just completed a one hour bike ride, and was getting ready for a 30 minute run. I ingested some honey, chased it with cool water, and headed out for my 30 minute run. I was 10 minutes into my run when I started to feel guilty for running. There was so many things on my to-do list, that I was wasting my time running. I was planning ahead for the rest of my evening that I didn't enjoy the run.
It is hard to enjoy everything that is going on with my life right now because I am also waiting on everything to fall into place. Over the past few months I have been applying to Occupational Therapy Schools. I can not take the next step until I know (1) if I have gotten into school and (2) where I will be going to school. It seems like everything is on hold. I have been checking my email multiple times a day wanting to see an email from any school. My life has become off balance because my moves seem to depend on the reply from schools. I never knew it would be this hard to wait.
Recently I have been getting up a little earlier than I need to so I can enjoy the quite time before my day. It has been helping me become more focused on myself, and peaceful. In college, I would sleep until the last possible second. I would allow myself enough time to put on clothes and walk to class while eating my breakfast. Now I have started to enjoy watching the sun rise, while taking care of myself.
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