Excited to Go Home!

So I haven't posted in awhile. I have been enjoying my time here in NC, and preparing for finals. I have a huge final tomorrow, that has caused me the most stress this semester. I have just accepted the fact that I am not going to kill myself over this test. If this were Hanover, I would be in tears by now. Turning over a new leaf.

I have talked to both of my parents, my sister, my Godmother, and cousins. I didn't realize my family missed me as much as I missed them. It is reassuring and exciting to know how loved I am. I guess I all too often take it for granted. To feel the love and excitement from my family is so amazing.

As it gets closer to Christmas I am reminded of what is really important to me; love, giving and receiving.

I am so thankful for the love I have found here in Greenville, and the love I have back home. I am such a lucky person, and am so blessed.

I Believe I Came To Know You For a Reason

So the previous posts have been in response to my body image and my stress level. I realized with the help of a great friend yesterday thatit is so easy to attack our outward appearance instead of the real issues. So I forced myself to examine the real issues I was upset.

I am homesick. Not really Indiana sick, but that state of mind homesick. I miss my family, badly. It all came to a head when I realized fully that I wasn't going to be able to go out drinking with Amy for her birthday. I broke down in tears over

skype when I saw Amy and my parents together on her birthday.

School was really stressful the past two weeks. It was probably the most insane two weeks I have had in grad school thus far. I had a neuro exam, my first competency, a research exam, an occupation and movement exam, my methods second due, activity analysis, and movement analysis activity. It was crazy to say the least, and it really made me focus on everything negative.

I really had to focus, yet find time for myself, but I had to take time for my happiness. I was able to go to a Military Ball, and had an amazing time. This is when I realized how homesick I was and how much I wanted to be adjusted to living in North Carolina by now.

I am not 100% okay with living in North Carolina. This has been a huge adjustment, and I have had to take classes on top of the adjustment. It is tough to uproot yourself from everything you have ever known and move to somewhere you know no one. Barnes is 2 hours away, but all in all I didn't know anyone in Greenville or North Carolina for that matter. I put an enormous amount of pressure into myself to perform well in school, adjust quickly, and make friends. Basically, I should do well in school, I should adjust to living in North Carolina over night, and I should make amazing friends in two months. I have had to really step back and realize that this is unrealistic. This is really tough to realize, and I still struggle with it. As with everything else, I SHOULD be there, but I'm not. I let the SHOULDS dictate my life.

The SHOULDS are rules and guidelines I feel like I SHOULD be following. I love to plan, and the SHOULDS are a way for me to plan and know what to expect. There is not clear cut map we are handed about how our lives should play out. Yesterday, as I was running with Erin, I realized this journey of grad school is about the unknown. This realization is the biggest source of stress for me, yet the biggest source of adventure for me. Erin helped me realize God has a plan for each of us. After I got home from running, I found this little devotional and it really brought everything together. Although I am a textbook Type A personality I found this comforting...

"God wants you to know that nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be. You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty--to be alive means to not know."

My life is so much fun and so unpredictable at this point. I need to embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the moments I have for what they are. I will never get those moments back, and if I spend those moments planning for the next, I will wake up one day and realize my life is over and was spent planning. As I drove home from the Military Ball I had the biggest smile on my face. Not because I fell in love with my date, but because my life is so fun. It is so unpredictable, and never in a million years did I think I would be in a different state pursuing my dreams, skipping class to go to a Military Ball, and waking up with wine stained lips. So thank you to everyone here in Greenville, and from "home" for loving and supporting me through all this stress and strife. It will all be worth it in the end. I believe I came to know each of you for a reason. You each have something to teach me or have taught me and brought me to this point...

How did I do?

So I have been thinking about my last post all week. It has been that little voice in the back of my head all week. It also helps that two of my classmates and roommate also stopped me and told me they read it. I was very open and honest about everything. It was a little frightening to realize how vulnerable posting this on facebook made me, but I am glad I did. Having my friends come up to me and say they read my post, without passing judgement was extremely helpful. I felt more accountable. As a side note, I am very blessed to have such amazing people in my program.

So how did I do?

Here were my short term goals for the week...

Workout Monday

Check...I only went swimming because I forgot a sports bra, but remembered my swimsuit. So no lifting. I also forgot a hair tie. Two things that could have been excuses, but they weren't. I am really proud that I went swimming Monday. It felt good. I also came home made dinner (which I ate the rest of the week), and then went to the study session.

Study neuro from 11-3

Check...This one sucked. But I got most of my studying done.

Write down my food 3 out of the 7 days

Check...I did Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. This was a tough one. I ate like crap on Friday. I also caved and ate Dr. Lust's cookies. If I project my hatred for the class toward her cookies and treats in the morning maybe this will help in avoiding them.

Floss

DID NOT DO! I told you I hate flossing. I think I might have done this one night. Okay, pause, I am going to go floss right now.

Okay, I seriously just flossed.

I am happy that I was able to achieve my goals from last week, yet I am still upset with my physical appearance. It is so tough being on the other side of things. I have been the personal trainer and heard everything (and I mean everything) I am writing. I stood in front of the mirror and decided I need to keep on this path. It will be slow, I know that. Ask any of my clients. I need to stay motivated and I will lose this weight.

Here are my goals for the next week...

Workout Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.

Included in one of those workouts is a BOSU workout in my room (sorry roomies)

Write down food 3 out of the 7 days. Log one of the days in thedailyplate.com

Do not eat any sweets from Dr. Lust or my classmates

Floss (I'll keep that one on there)

This is going to be a hard week. I have a research quiz Monday, occupation and movement quiz Tuesday, my methods section due Wednesday, and activity analysis due Friday. I think the biggest challenge will be working out Monday and Tuesday. I already know I will be worried I won't be studying enough and that working out time could be better allocated as studying/working time. I must take time for myself!

I know I can do this! I did a Half Ironman!

Balance and Health

So I have been struggling lately with how much I work out, what I am eating, and all around balance. This is one of my biggest challenges since I have entered graduate school. Honestly, it has been the biggest source of stress for me. It is difficult to have come for being in amazing shape, to being a little softer around the edges. I used to have a cut body. Six pack, killer legs, and killer arms. I still have part of this but there is much more fat there.

I struggle telling people that I am not in great shape anymore. They don't understand. Outwardly I look the same. No one really knows, and I haven't really gained any weight. Maybe 3 pounds at the most. The truth is I have lost a lot of muscle and gained a lot of fat. It is disgusting. I need to make working out a priority again.

I saw on Bobbi's blog that there is six weeks to the end of the healthy train. I guess I should jump on, and get serious.

I also eat like crap, it is so hard. I know these are all excuses because I have heard all of them before. I just need to make a complete change. No more excuses, and no more making up for the poor eating choices by working out more.

When I was training really hard, if I ate poorly it reflected in my performance. I would sink in the pool, or run slower. It is so important to eat healthy in order to perform at your best. It is common knowledge. My issue is time.

My time is so valuable that I do not want to spend even 20 minutes making something for dinner. I also have to work on projects so late in the evening after school that I usually end up grabbing something out because of time. It is easier to have someone else make me dinner than drive home, cook, eat, then go back to the library.

Overall, I have poor time management skills. I am stuck between doing well in school, and doing well in life. I know how hard I have to work for a B and how hard I have to work for an A. I honestly need to cut myself some slack, and go for Bs, if it means that I can cook, and exercise. This will go a long way, and this is a lesson I MUST learn before I graduate.

Here is the conflict I have with giving B work...it is not me. If it had my name on it, it will be A work. I will put an enormous amount of time and effort into it because I want my work to reflect me, which it does. If I do B work I am kicking myself for not working hard, I get stressed I am slacking and start to think I will fail out of school.

My long term goal for now until the end of the school year (spring semester) is to make time for my health.

How I am going to get there...

1. workout 4 times a week for an hour (lift 2 times a week)

2. make a big dinner Sunday that I will eat for the next week

3. write down everything I put into my mouth for 3 out of the 7 days (1 must be a weekend, not cheating on the weekends)

4. tell myself I will graduate when I start to give time to myself.

My goal for this week...

Exercise tomorrow right after class. Study neuro between 11 and 3. Attend study session Monday at 7pm after making dinner after I work out.

Write down what I eat Monday, Tuesday, and Friday

Floss my teeth (I never do this!)

The Paths we Take

So yesterday was my 25th birthday, and I have been thinking a lot about where I am at in my life. I did not think in a million years I would be in North Carolina, getting ready to start grad school. I guess I thought my life would follow a pattern that I had really only been exposed to growing up. I would graduate high school, go to college, meet the man of my dreams, get married, and be 25 working and with a kid on the way, or already here. I am no where near this person I thought I would be. I also want to note that in no way am I upset that my life did not follow this pattern I saw.

After I got done with church last night, I really started thinking about the decisions I made that have lead me to this 25 year old that I see before me. The Gospel was Luke 13:22-30, talking about walking the straight path to God. Before I went to church I read it, and didn't really see that my path was straight, because it had been anything but. Father Bill was talking about how we need to set our sights on the end goal, and keep focused. Yes there will be hiccups along the way, but stay focused on the end goal.

What decisions have I made since high school that have gotten me to this point?

1. I went to Hanover and met my best friends. These friends have supported me and given me the confidence I now have.

2. I decided to work immediately after Hanover. This provided me the opportunity to meet another group of amazing people who helped give me even more confidence professionally. I also was pushed personally to achieve feats I never thought possible (see every blog post before this).

3. I decided to explore my faith, independently. I wanted to know that I wanted to be Catholic, not just be Catholic because my family was.

4. I applied to many schools out of state. I never thought I would be able to leave home, my support, my family, my friends, but they are the reason I am able to make it down here. I have so much love and support in my life I don't know what I would do without them.

5. I decided to finally take a risk in love, and have met an amazing man. I don't know what will happen with our relationship, but I know that I like him for who he is. I am comfortable with him, and can 100% be myself when I am with him.

6. I moved to North Carolina knowing that money would be tight, but I could do it. When I found out my work study didn't pan out, I panicked. How could I live on $50 a month? This would not be possible.

All of these things, especially the last two, I just have to believe and have faith God will provide. I have to put my trust in Him, and know that I will be all right. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I have to keep my eye on the long term goal (heaven), and the short term goals (being successful in school, and enjoying the moments I have with people that matter the most in my life).

At 25, I am very happy with where I am at in my life. I did not follow that normal pattern, but I have pushed myself outside of my comfort zone. I know I have the love and support of my friends, family, and God. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). So thank you to all those reading for support me and loving me.

24

As I am preparing to help Bobbi with her New Years Resolution, I am forced to examine my life. Bobbi used to be a client of mine. We started working out together in October of 2008, through our training session we became friends. Bobbi's New Year's Resolution was to photograph people who are influential in her life. Bobbi is a photograph and had gotten to a point in her career where photography wasn't fun any more. She challenged herself to change that in 2010. Photograph what she loves.

Her first victim was Annie, a doctor who has a blog herself. If you love food, you will love thisblog. Annie is a hard worker and I honestly feel like I know her from her blog and Bobbi's blogabout Annie. If you don't love Annie after this, then you don't know good photography.

Back to an examination of my life. Bobbi challenged me to think of what defines me. Instantly I said exercise, running, swimming, and biking. My next thought was, I am not pretty when I get done exercising. I am a hot mess.

I know sexy right...

Over the past two years, I have grown into the person I am today. Over the past two years, I have learned to be independent, stand up for myself, push myself beyond where I thought possible (I mean read any previous post). I wish I could better communicate how much I have grown.

While at Hanover, I made amazing friends. These friends have been there through thick and thin, and I don't know what I would do without them in my life. I turn to them when I am happy, sad, anxious, excited. They have helped shape the person I am today. They helped to give me confidence to be myself, and not to worry about those who don't like what they see.

After graduation, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. At the time, I felt like my world was ending, but I had to do it. I had to stand on my own two feet. I had to learn who I was without him. It was the best thing that I have ever done for myself. I stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down waiting to jump. I jumped, and it felt good.

I forced myself outside of my comfort zone again, and again. Pushing further and further to see what I liked, what I desired. It was scary, but amazing. I decided to sign up for my first 5K, October 2008. I had healed myself through running. I would run to get away from the emotions and thoughts building up in my head. I could process things just by running. After the adrenaline rush of the start gun, I was hooked. I then ran a 5K with my dad. I felt stronger than I had in a long time, both mentally and emotionally. After that 5K, I was ready to sign up for a half marathon. May 2009, I ran the Indianapolis Mini Marathon. I worked my way through a 14 week training program, running 3-4 days/week. I crossed that finish line, and had no one to thank but myself.

I couldn't believe that this girl, has come so far. I couldn't have gotten to this place without the support of my friends, family, and coworkers.

After the Mini Marathon, my coworkers talked me into training for the Go Girl Triathlon. I thought, I used to swim when I was younger, I just ran a half marathon, I like biking. Sure, I can do this. The training was grueling, but I was up for the challenge. The day of the race comes, and I am psyched. My dad was there helping me get my transition area set up, walking through the course, and being supportive. I swam the 500 meters almost completely doing breast stroke, powered through the bike and the run, only to cross the finish line in tears. I pushed myself further and harder than I ever thought possible. I had put myself up to the challenge and succeeded. I later found out I finished third in my age group. Shocking! The girl that didn't make the 7th grade volleyball team, and got cut from varsity volleyball in high school. I had proven something to all those that doubted me.

I went on to compete (not complete) in the Fisher FAST Triathlon, to finish first in my age group. I came home that morning and told Jason, he needed to build a trophy cabinet. After the Fisher's Tri, I was hooked. Sarah asked me if I wanted to do a Half Ironman, and I agreed. I had nothing to lose. I saw how far I could push myself, and knew I had enough support and strength to go even further.

I completed the White Lake Half Ironman in seven hours and 20 minutes. It was the hottest, and most humid day I had raced in, and felt the side effects for days after. I was mentally and physically prepared to take on the White Lake Half. I came out of the water with an ear to ear smile on my face, struggled through the bike. My saving grace was Barnes and John finding me on the bike course. They were able to drive next to me for a few miles. I entered the run, ready to turn back as soon as I hit the first mile. I stood at the first mile aid station for what seemed like 5 minutes collecting myself, and giving myself a pep talk. I can do this, I came this far not to quit. I moved on to mile two, three, four, and finally found my legs. I was moving now. I get almost to the half way point and see a sign. On a bright pink neon sign, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. I got an instant knot in my throat. I am strong enough, and I have God at my back. Helping me along. I hit the turn around point, and completely forgot about this woman's sign until I saw it again. I saw it at the right moment when I wanted to stop for the millionth time. I can do this, I have strength. I started praying the rosary in my head. Again instant knot in my throat. I am running past the camp ground, and I can hear the announcer calling out people's names as I near the finish line. I turned into the camp ground and start to feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I am on the last tenth of a mile on my way to completing the biggest task I have set in front of me to date. I hear my Gramma to the left of me, and hear my mom to the right. I continue to run past the finish line and into my dad's arms. I start crying, I feel my dad put my medal around my neck and start to cry himself. I just completed the biggest challenge yet. I can do anything I put my mind to. There is no telling where I will stop.

As I look back on who I am as a 24 year old, I am overjoyed. I have accomplished so much more than I ever thought possible. I have an enormous amount of love in my life. I am so blessed to have an amazing and supportive family. Wonderful and deep friendships, and supportive coworkers. As I embark on the next phase of my journey, I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I will always have love in my life, and always have support. As a 24 year old, I am damn proud of who I have become. I couldn't have become this person with out my family, and friends. So when I am 50 and looking back at Bobbi's project, I want to remember, how fearless the 24 year old Kristen was, and how determined she was.

Dear 50 year old Kristen,

Never lose sight of your dreams, and always know the love you have.

With love,

24 year old Kristen

Two Days Away

So it is finally here. All the hard work, and all the hours exercising, and giving up on food, and friends at times to exercise. Looking back it has been a journey. I long journey. I am not going to sit here and say it was easy. It was hard.

Last night I think my nerves finally got the best of me. I was stressing out about how I am going to pack everything, and how I am going to do, and how well the race is going to go. Finally I realized, I have worked this hard, that I just need to complete the race.

Not a lot of other people in my life can say that they have done this much. Now I am not saying that I am better than my friends or family for doing this, but I am just saying, I have put a lot of work into this. I set this goal, motivated by peer pressure, to complete this Half Ironman Triathlon. I put together a plan, and executed the plan. Up to this point, I didn't think much about the emotional impact this goal would make on me. I just thought of this goal, like many of my client's goals. This is goal x, these are the steps you need to take to get to goal x. Yes there are bumps on the road to get to goal x. Yes I hit some of the bumps hard, and even fell off my bike (literally). I did forget the small part about feeling the steps to get to goal x, and feeling the success of achieving goal x.

So over the next two days, as I get ready to complete my goal of a Half Ironman, I need to start feeling more. It is about the journey, not the destination. To tell you the truth, the journey has pushed me beyond where I thought I could go, and taught me more about myself, than any other experience, even college.

I can not wait to cross that finish line and run into the arms of my biggest support group, my family! My mom, dad, sister, and gramma! Not to mention one of my best friends from college! Here goes and wish me luck!