Baby Cooper coming soon!

We're pregnant! Finally. After almost 3 years of trying.

What we went through
John and I decided to do Natural Family Planning in January of 2013 after reading a blog post from a classmate of mine. This changed our life and made our marriage stronger. However, I think a lot of what made our marriage stronger was the past 3 years that we went through. February 2014 we decided after a year of trying (taking some time off for holidays) we would go see a doctor who specialized in the Creighton Model of Natural Family Planning.

• Blood draws-Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for not one but two menstrual cycles.
• The first series of blood draws proved to be inconclusive. My estrogen and progesterone did not show the normal pattern and my doctor wanted to do another series of blood draws.
• During one of the blood draws we took a trip to Las Vegas. We left Thursday night and on Friday I had to have a blood draw. We took a cab 45 minutes from the strip to get my blood drawn, then go to a UPS store to have it shipped back to Jackson, TN (where my doctor was), and then called our cab driver, who thankfully lived by the blood draw place to come pick us up.
• John was so supportive of this and caring. Oftentimes I felt like the infertility was one sided because I was the only one having to go through all these tests. I felt like I was the problem and I would never be able to give John a child. 
• Semen analysis, twice
• This was in conjunction with the blood draws. Dr. Gray wanted us to see if John had any issues with his fertility. His first test showed that he had low sperm morphology, meaning that the way that a certain percentage of the sperm were shaped where not conducive to fertilizing an egg of mine. Easy fix. Dr. Gray told John there is a correlation between taking Vitamin C and sperm morphology.
• Test two, was supposed to be completed 3-6 months later, but I think we did it more like a year later due to fatigue of trying, emotional stress from trying, etc. Result: Normal sperm in all 3 aspect that medical professionals look at!
• Cue me feeling like I am again the problem. John and I had the opportunity to be able to work on our communication about issues such as this and learn how the other is communicating. At times it felt like the end of the world and that we were frequently yelling at each other about things that had nothing to do with fertility. However, it was just the stress of trying to conceive a child that we so desperately wanted and prayed for. It felt like God was not answering our prayers. 
• Where we stood:
• So John was taking vitamin C daily.
• Dr. Gray speculated that I had endometriosis just by looking at my charting.
• I never had painful cycles, so I didn't believe him
• Speculated that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome by my chart, my acne and blood tests
• Cue another blood draw to determine my testosterone level. Normal, no problem.
• My previous blood draws, the ones where I did Monday, Wednesday, Friday clued Dr. Gray in on the fact that I was having normal cycles, but some cycles I was not releasing an egg. 
• Most of the time women present like the "bearded lady", however I manage my weight well, suffer from acne, but don't have male patterned hair growth
• Speculated that I might have a fallopian tube blocked.
• Knew from my chart and the blood tests that I had low post peak progesterone. This just meant that my levels after releasing an egg were not high enough to sustain a pregnancy.
• Medication Intervention:
• August 2014, I started on Ampicillin. This was to increase my cervical fluid which is necessary to lead the sperm to the egg.
• I did this for two cycles because I started having a lot of GI issues. I was also cranky because I was having GI issues and supposed to have sex. I didn't feel pretty and like a machine.
• August 2014, I also started progresterone. This was to increase the post peak progesterone levels in order to sustain a pregnancy if we did have fertilization of the egg. 
• I used progesterone for almost 2 years until we achieved pregnancy and throughout the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy.
• This pill was not taken orally. That is all I am going to say about that. It also caused some yeast infections, or at least the feeling of yeast infections.
• October 2014, I did a trial of clomid. I didn't have any weird out of body experiences, but just continued to be spent emotionally, physically and spiritually. Clomid is supposed to stimulate your ovaries to produce eggs. Which from the charting, Dr. Gray believed that mine were not doing that because of the possibly PCOS.
• November 2014, Dr. Gray decided that he would change the Clomid to Letrozole, which is a breast cancer drug. He just said that this worked a little better for his clients and the side effects were not as great as Clomid. 
• At the end of 2014, Dr. Gray started talking about surgery to be able to diagnose the PCOS and endometrosis as well as check for the blockage of my fallopian tubes. We were close to meeting our deductible, but I just didn't want to do the surgery. Again I was fatigued emotionally, physically and spiritually. 
• After the first of 2015, John and I decided to stop medication all together. It was too much of a strain on our relationship. We both felt like sex was a chore at times and that it was too robotic. I also started a new job and had a "missed period", which you guessed it we were both hoping that I was pregnant.
• March 2015, I added back in progesterone just in case we were to get pregnant because I didn't want to suffer a miscarriage. This progesterone would help sustain a pregnancy if we did in fact get pregnant naturally. By this time I had done some research that showed women who exercise and do endurance sports (running) had low progesterone. I just felt like this was something I could get on board with and knew that I more than likely had low progesterone regardless of what the blood results showed.
• Surgery:
• Eight months after Dr. Gray suggested surgery we were finally on board.
• With the change in my job, my insurance improved immensely. I found out that I would be able to have surgery for $350. I had to pay the hospital, and my doctor. That was it. This insurance will be the thing that makes it so hard to leave my current job.
• July 1, 2015 I had surgery at Jackson General Hospital. It was such an emotional day for both John and I. I will have to write about that in another post, which will probably never come. John was so brave and took such good care of me after surgery. God has truly sent me such a wonderful partner to go through life. 
• Dr. Gray confirmed that I had mild endometriosis, which he is almost positive that he cleaned all of it up. Confirmed that my ovaries looked like PCOS ovaries and my tubes were not blocked! He said that research shows that cases like my mild case of endometriosis will not come back after surgical intervention. I asked him if I would have to have surgery every time I wanted to have another child.
• Changes in medication as a result of the surgery:
• Continued to use Letrozole to stimulate my ovaries to produce an egg every time (or so that is what my brain thinks, I don't know I'm not a medical doctor).
• Added in predisone in the middle of my cycle to increase my cervical fluid production. Luckily the side effect was only increasing my appetite and no GI issues.
• Continuing progesterone post peak to help sustain a pregnancy.
• Changes in diet (rather anticipated changes)
• July 2015 eliminated butter and milk from my diet for my acne.
• Dr. Gray told us about research that showed eliminating gluten and dairy from the diet has been linked to positive pregnancy test.
• 3 months later...POSITIVE PREGNANCY TESTS!
• Beginning of October 2015 John and I conceived our first child. We were scared to death. Every breath and step I took I was concerned it was the wrong step and would harm our child. We had prayed and begged and pleaded with God for this child and we finally got it. I held on tightly. This was our child and I was going to do everything possible to sustain this pregnancy if my life and happiness depended on it.
• Before we knew we were pregnant I went on an elimination diet to determine what foods I was sensitive to. I felt better, slept better, was happier, and my skin cleared up. During the re-introduction phase of the diet was when I found out I was pregnant. I ended up not fully doing the re-introduction phase, but just made sure I was getting enough protein through nuts, vegan protein powder, and chicken and turkey. Regardless, I think I am sensitive to gluten, dairy (which I knew), alcohol, and sugar. Everything fun.
• The first pregnancy test was October 18, 2015, Grandpa Davis' birthday. 
• Second pregnancy test was October 20, 2015.
• Third pregnancy test was October 21, 2015.
• Forth pregnancy test was October 21, 2015, which was a blood draw because I didn't believe that I was actually pregnant. 
• I came home after rushing the blood results and told John in the parking lot of our apartment complex. He broke down crying and was so happy. We went to church that night to praise God for answering our prayers. It was a Wednesday. Emelda, the blind Asian lady and her loving husband were there as well and I prayed for them. 
• I was still so scared, I didn't want to do anything wrong. I drove myself crazy. Read everything and nothing on the internet. 
• October 31, 2015, we went to Laura and Dan Reynold's house for game night and passing out candy to trick or treaters. We told them our good news. They couldn't have been more excited.
• Miscarriage
• I woke up around 1:30am on November 1, 2015 and had some spotting. I had read that this could just be implantation of the fertilized egg. I was a nervous wreck. I woke John up. We held each other and I prayed to God to not take this baby we had hoped and dreamed for.
• I woke up again around 3:00. Much more blood. Lots of clotting and those cells that already had a beating heart in the bottom of the toilet. The stark white toilet bowl with blood stained water. 
• I woke John up. I didn't flush the toilet. I couldn't do it. I made John go into the bathroom and look and see what I saw. I didn't believe it, didn't want to believe that our baby, our gift was taken from us.
• John knelt down and prayed for our baby and cried. I watched this through a reflection and lost it myself.
• We prayed the rosary together. At the end of the rosary, I had the most beautiful image of my Grandma Davis holding our little baby. John said, well Grandma Davis only had boys, so I bet our baby was a boy.
• We named him Gerard, Gerry for short. After St. Gerard, patron saint of infertility and mothers. 

• All Soul's Day
• The Catholic church celebrates all souls that have passed the previous year and they have a mass to pray for the souls to get to heaven.
• We invited our Nashville friends. Uyen, Laura, Mary, Bridget, Tim and Kathleen all came to show us their support. Erin and Brad were also at the mass because Erin was a reader. 
• This was our little funeral, our tribute to Gerry. It was also celebrating Grandma and Grandpa Davis as well because we lost Grandma December 23, 2014, and Grandpa the beginning of March 2015.
• My parents and sister even went to St. Elizabeth Seton to help us celebrate Gerry.
• We decided that night that we would celebrate this night every year. Gerry was such a big part of our life. We decided we wanted our future children to know about miscarriages and heaven.

We were coming up to the holidays and John and I decided to still take medication and avoid trying to achieve pregnancy. I just wanted some time to process the miscarriage and grieve. It was a difficult time after the miscarriage. We were both very emotional and did what we could to survive. 

Soon after Christmas we heard of an outbreak of the Ziki virus in Brazil. This virus was known to be carried by mosquitos and caused microcephaly in babies. The CDC was recommending women who were pregnant or trying to get pregnant to not travel to these areas where Ziki was present. Two of our dear friends were getting married in Nicaragua in March and we wanted to attend and celebrate with them. We decided to stop trying so I would not be pregnant while in Nicaragua. It was a tough decision because we wanted so badly to start our family. 

While in Nicaragua, Heather told me the story of Noel's mom and sisters praying for her to have another baby. Noel's mom already had two girls and she wanted another baby. Noel's mom and sisters prayed to St. Jude Thaddeaus. St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes. She consequently got pregnant and had St. Jude to thank for interceding on her behalf. Noel then gained the nickname Tadeo and his sisters still to this day call him Tadeo (Tadeo is the Spanish name for Thaddeaus). After hearing this, I sent a prayer up to St. Jude to intercede for me like he did for Ms. Somarriba when she was trying to conceive Noel. 

God answered our prayers! We found our we were pregnant on April 10, 2016. John was away in South Bend, IN for a lacrosse tournament. I took the pregnancy test that morning and had to wait all day to tell John that we had conceived a child. When John got home, I had the pregnancy test in the pouch of my hooded sweatshirt. I kissed him and hugged him to welcome him home. When we pulled away, I pulled out the pregnancy test that said "yes" on it. John fell to his knees and started crying. We were pregnant. Our conversation that followed included few words, many tears and lots of hugs. We were pregnant again! 

Then the fear set in. What if this pregnancy would end up like the last one? What if we were only supposed to have babies in heaven? Again started the calling to Dr. Gray about what we should do. Again more blood work to see if my HcG levels were going up as they were supposed to. We reached out to John's brother and sister-in-law for advice on how to trust that this pregnancy was going to be different than the last night. Rich and Steph were extremely helpful and supportive during the beginning of the pregnancy. 

We had our first doctor's appointment with an ultrasound and I saw the heart beating of the miracle we had been given. A weight was lifted!

Our doctor recommended I come in for an ultrasound every 2 weeks just to make me feel more at ease. She said it wouldn't prevent a miscarriage, but it would make us feel better. A weight was lifted!

We hit 12 weeks and I could stop taking progesterone supplements. A weight was lifted!

 We hit 20 weeks and we had the anatomy screening ultrasound. We saw the heart beating, we saw the lungs, the spinal cord, the heart and its chambers, the eyes, the fingers, the arms, the legs. We saw God's handiwork. I was so overcome by God's beautiful plan for our lives and his ability to take something difficult and turn it into something so beautiful. A weight was lifted! (PS Baby Cooper is a boy!)

We hit 30 weeks and we knew the baby was more and more viable outside the womb. A weight was lifted!

We just hit 35 weeks and that means I am 2 weeks away from being full term. A full term baby! I did not believe this was going to be possible. I didn't let myself think about the long term. I wanted so badly to stay in the present with this pregnancy. I wanted to experience everything this pregnancy had to offer, just in case God wanted this baby as much as he wanted Gerry. I wanted to accept the lack of sleep, the kicks the the ribs, the inability to run, the feeling of having my stomach muscles ripped apart, the heart burn, and everything else. Now that I am closer to the end of the pregnancy, I am just trying to be grateful for all those pregnancy joys because I don't know if we will be able to have another baby. If we don't (or we do) that is the hand we have been dealt. This has been such a joyful time and a time of extreme gratitude. 

We could not be more excited to welcome Baby Cooper into this world. I am anxious about delivery. John is hopeful, supportive and loving during this time. 

Resource Utilization Groups (RUG) Levels

Woah, I have a lot going on in my head. I am so overwhelmed with thoughts, feelings and emotions. My grandpa died. But first my grandma died. They were soul mates, they were never apart for very long. They were married 69 years. My grandma had dementia, the end was really difficult to experience. She fell while my family was vacationing in Myrtle Beach. I just knew it was the beginning of the end, September 9, 2014. She fell in the foyer of their home and broke her hip. I feel bad because I kind of wished that God would take her during the surgery. I knew from experience working in the hospital and the nursing home that people with dementia, mild to severe, never really come back after a surgery like that. God had a different plan in mind, like always.

The surgery went well, she was fearful of falling and fearful of getting out of bed. She stayed in the hospital for about a week. There were complications with her lungs or heart. She wasn't eating, she didn't have the desire to eat. Grandma failed the video swallow study with the thickest liquid. Next up feeding tube. It almost felt like a familiar song that I hated hearing. They transferred her to a "rehab facility". Fuck you hospital staff for allowing my family to believe that it wasn't a nursing home.
Grandma participated in therapy, or rather she was put on a bike for her 95 minutes of physical therapy. Then the occupational therapist probably counted the time that he or she "helped" the CNA to bathe and dress my grandmother. Taking away her dignity. Grandma stopped eating, she wasn't getting stronger. She went to see the speech therapist, who happened to be a classmate of mine. We played in the band together.

My dad is worried about doing the right thing, caring for the weak and sick like Jesus called us to do. My uncle Thom yelled at the speech therapist because she wasn't working hard enough. Do you hear the notes of that all too familiar retched song? How do you tell you family that it is a nursing home? How do you tell your dad the research does not support placing a feeding tube to sustain/extend life? The chords of this song are hurting my ears.
Why can't this stop? Why is therapy in a nursing home so stupid? Why don't legislators understand that these are human being, not vehicles to get your company the most money by putting them on a stationary bike for the 113 minutes, just so you can reach your certain RUG level? Why? This is my grandma! My loving, kind, and compassionate GRANDMOTHER! I only wish that she tried to pinch these unethical therapists putting the "robots" on the stationary bike!
They move my grandmother home, on hospice. More stress, more fancy word play to make my family think they are signing up for something that it is not. I go home to see my grandmother the weekend they move her home. She is sleepier, she isn't herself, well not fully herself. She did still try to have a quick wit, and put her fingers up in a pinching motion to let me know that she was still the boss. This is November 20th. My grandmother has been away from home for over 2 months. My grandfather was without his beautiful bride. He was sad, he missed his companion.

My grandpa and grandma get 33 more days together, at home. They get into bed together. My grandpa mumbles sweet nothings that only a spouse of 69 years can understand. His job now becomes caring for his wife, or rather he is able to resume his role as caregiver, provider, husband. At 12:29am on December 23rd my grandma went home. She wanted to get to heaven before Christmas. She wanted to be with Jesus to help celebrate his birthday. She was a good Southern woman who loved Christmas, and loved gatherings, joyful gatherings.
I got the call early December 23rd from my mom, tearful. Saying, we lost grandma. I was in bed with my spouse. He held me, I cried. He cried. I was sad, but felt like I had to remain strong. Strong for my family, my dad, my grandpa, for Christmas.
We got home early December 24th around 12:29am. A mere 24 hours after my grandma went to heaven. I know that the Catholic church believes in purgatory, as do I. I believe if I were to die tomorrow, I would spend some time in purgatory. I should pray for my friends tonight, that they might pray for me and pray me to heaven. Grandma, probably spent a millisecond in purgatory. My dad, grandpa and uncles sat next to Grandma praying the rosary. They came together as a family, to send my grandmother off to heaven.
Growing up, my grandmother always had rosaries around the house. So when she would sit down in one room, she would be able to pray the rosary. She was frequently asking me if I was going to church. She was faithful, she gave me an example of a woman who was trusting in God. She had to be, she lost a son in a farming accident when he was 12. Despite the fact that she had 6 boys, all 6 of the boys were hers. They were hers to care for, to love, to comfort. Then God called home one of hers. One boy that she and my grandpa believed they were called to care for, bring up in the church, and develop into the wonderful men my uncles and father are today. Now my grandparents rarely talked about the death of Uncle Chris, but I can only imagine losing a child. The guilt, the pain. My grandma's faith was probably tried at this point, but she remained faithful. She knew in her heart, for as long as I can remember, that she was going to heaven. She was going to die and spend eternity with the Lord. Be renewed, whole. Reunited with her son Chris.
My grandpa, uncles, father and mother prayed the rosary over my grandmother. John and I prayed the rosary for grandma. I felt peace, immense peace. I knew she went straight to heaven. During this time, when my family was praying the rosary and we were praying the rosary, my sister heard her name being called, repeatedly. She knew in her heart that this was grandma calling out to her. She believes this was grandma ascending into heaven. Amy was frightened, but a peace came over her as she drove to my grandparents house. She knew grandma was safe, grandma was with our Lord. Now Amy has had some experiences with angels and other feels as the one described above, but that is for another time.
There is still so much more that I want to describe, remember, grieve and heal from. I will have to write about this tomorrow. I am growing weary. I have cried, ugly cried the past three days. I am wiped out emotionally. So I am going to treat the rest of this entry like a therapy note.
Plan:

Discuss the viewing-drawing a picture of the strength of my dad during this, Aunt Margaret and my Grandpa sitting together. Resolving difference and forgiving each other after 69 years.
The beauty of the church during the funeral. The cold during the service at the gravesite. The image of Chris' tombstone. Charles being present and looking at Chris' tombstone. The gathering of my family, putting aside difference to come together for the matriarch of the family. My grandfather's words about my grandmother, "she was a great lady".

Christmas Conditioning Day 2 & 3

Okay so I slacked on blogging this weekend. I just get into the mindset of not doing anything, or rather doing stuff around the house.

Day 2:  Lactate Intervals. Warm up 5 minutes, 5x0:30 sprints, 5x0:30 active recovery (back to your warm up pace), 5 minute cool down.

This run was a nice reminder of how cold it was outside. I thought it was nicer out & only decided to wear shorts and a long sleeve shirt. Boy was I wrong! I am still trying to warm my toes up after this run. My lungs were hurting from the sprints and the cold air. I really appreciate my health on days like that.

Day 3:  Rest, but don't be lazy. Do yoga, walk your day, whatever floats your boat.

Remember if you are following along, on Instagram or Twitter use the #jp2lax!

Here's my Handsome Husband! #jp2lax

Christmas Conditioning

My husband gave me the task of creating a Christmas Conditioning program for his lacrosse team. At first I was thinking how difficult this task was going to be. When I finally sat down to complete this program, it was much easier than I expected!

Before I went back to school for Occupational Therapy, I was an ACSM Health Fitness Specialist. I would develop exercise programs for adults daily. Developing this Christmas Conditioning program was so much fun. I forgot how much I missed developing difficulty program.

I have decided I am going to complete this program leading up to the Christmas break. I will post that program here for your reading pleasure. I will warn you, this is not that difficult of a program if you are currently running. This program was developed to increase strength necessary for sprinting and increase endurance. However, the program does not require you to sustain running for more than 10 minutes. So if you are looking for something easy to complete between all the Christmas cookies and traveling, this is the program for you.  Only requirement is tennis shoes!  If you want to keep up with this program, use #jp2lax

Day 1:  Foundation Run 2 minutes warm up (at RPE of 4-5), 8 minutes work (RPE 6-7), 2 minutes cool down (RPE 4-5).

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Phi Mu Seniors

Huge thanks to Meredith for filling me in on the Bloglovin app. I have spent so much time today on that app! Reminds me of senior year of college when we learned about the free games website. I don't think the 4 of our talked for a week straight we were playing Hot Dog Bush.

Dear Pete Wooster, or The Meaning of Life

Disclaimer:  I have not written a paper such as this since I graduated Hanover College in May 2008. Please forgive me if this is all over the place and there is no clear thesis (because I never could figure out how to write a good thesis). I also write patient notes all day that need to be short and concise.

It was May of 2009, at Hanover College. I was required to take a course during Spring Term as part of the "Freshman Experience". I had 3 professors that each taught the course as well as one professor that was our go-to person and the one that graded all our projects and papers. Pete Wooster, a geology professor, was my go-to person. The final paper of Spring Term was to write your meaning of life. Part of this process we had to have Pete proofread/edit/destroy (that's how I remember it) our first draft. I remember sitting in Pete's office on the back side of the Science Center overlooking the quad. I looked at Pete when he asked me a question about the meaning of life. I responded, "I don't think I can have a meaning of life at this point in my life. I am only 19 years old." I remember he told me that I should have an idea what the meaning of life is at this point, it is foolish not to. It probably was not as harsh as I just put it, but I was crushed. I was a perfect student in high school. I am Type A personality, and I am a perfectionist. Basically, if it is not my idea, it is not right. In church on Sunday, I had an epiphany. The meaning of life is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37-40).

Look who I found on Hanover's Flickr Sarah Albertson
Hanover College Quad

The gospel reading from Sunday was Matthew 22: 34-40. Jesus was speaking with the Sadducees when one asked what the greatest law was. This man was a scholar and Father Dexter took the spin that this man was trying to out smart Jesus and show him that he was more pious than Jesus. Jesus told the man that there are two laws that are the greatest, we are to love the Lord our God with all out heart, soul and all our minds. The second law instructs us to love your neighbor as yourself. These two laws are to be followed together, equally. 

Grandpa & Grandma Davis day before Hanover College Graduation
Strong Role Models for my faith

Just because we love God with all our heart, soul and mind does not give us a license to hate others that are different than ourselves. If we love God too much, but forget to love our neighbor, then we are walking around thinking we are more pious than the next guy. For example, I go to church every Sunday and occasionally (read, seldom) go on Wednesdays. I can get so caught up in my love of God that I think that the Christians that go to church less than this are less pious than myself. This is why the second law is to be followed, to love your neighbor as yourself. We are called, as Christians to love our God completely and fully, but we are also called to love others despite their differences, frequency of attending church, or saying prayers. 

Rachel Halleck & Holly Heindselman Homecoming 2013
I love my friends from my time at Hanover despite the fact they had a different major than me

Father Dexter described a time when he was a freshman in college when a woman followed the first law, but omitted the second. He was giving us an image of walking into a St. Mary's Church at 18 years old, his first semester in college. He solemnly shuffled to the front of the the church, right in front of the blessed sacrament. This church in particular had kneelers in the front of the church to venerate the blessed sacrament. Father Dexter was visibly distraught, and slumped down on the kneelers, back to the blessed sacrament head in his hands. As Father was finding comfort by being in the presence of our Lord, an older woman walked up to him stated, "Remember, we do not turn our backs to the blessed sacrament." This woman was implying that she was more pious than he because she would not think to put her back to the blessed sacrament. Father continued to discuss how this woman did not ask him what was wrong or off any humanly comfort, but reminded him of a rule (written or unwritten). This woman was obeying the first law to love the Lord our God, but omitted for one reason or another, the second rule to love her neighbor.

Hanover College Chapel, where I attended church a handful of times

These two laws, to love God and to love our neighbor, are rules/values/laws that have been instilled in me since I was a little girl. Everything I do throughout my day can be summed up into one of these laws. When I am working with a patient who has just suffered a stroke, I am loving my neighbor and loving my God. When I am fixing dinner for my husband, I am loving my neighbor and my God. When I am helping a friend pack up her house to move to NC, I am loving my neighbor and my God. I try to treat others with love and respect, just like God treats me. I want to show others, Christian or not, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman, the love that God provides to me every day. Although, I fail daily at loving others, and loving/trusting God, I continue to come back to these two laws to help ground me and to ask for forgiveness.

Prince of Peace Catholic Church Madison, IN
Where I attended mass a few times in college
Image courtesy of redtree photography, what a beautiful wedding

The meaning of life is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind as well as love your neighbor as yourself. After 10 years, my meaning of life has changed slightly. I wish I could find that paper that I wrote my freshman year of college. I believe my meaning of life at 19 (I still find it crazy to think that you need to know what the meaning of life is at 19), was to love others just as God loves us, thus making others feel the love of God. Throughout the course of my 29 years, 2 months and 6 days that I have been on this Earth I have lived my life according to these two principles, to love God and to love my neighbor. If you live life according to this meaning, you will find joy in life and all other things will fall into place.The meaning of life is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself.

Matthew 22:37-40

Looking Back

So I recently started looking back over old blog posts. Man oh man! I was really hoping I would have had life figured out at 24. As I am sitting here texting with a close friend of mine from graduate school, I am reminded that I put deadlines on myself that are ALWAYS unrealistic.

By 24, I thought I had to be married, pregnant, in my dream job, with a killer house, and a fat bank account (or something like that).

Image by Bobbi and Mike

I'm 28, married, not pregnant, in my dream job (even though it is a maternity leave coverage ending February 20th), in an apartment, and a figure friendly, healthy bank account.

Accepting my Master's Degree

I still don't know who I am. I still have similar stresses and anxieties that I had when I was 24. They just look different.

Stress and Anxiety

The only thing that is different is my faith. I am closer to God than I have been in over 15 years (which is a guess). We have a great church family. My husband encourages me to pray and write (two things that help me put everything into perspective, if only for a moment).

This Sunday at church was the Presentation of the Lord. This is where Mary and Joseph brought Jesus, a mere 40 days old, to the temple for the purification ritual. Father Dexter, was encouraging us to not lose sight of the light of Christ in our lives. He was telling us that we will always have anxieties, stressors, and worries, but the light of Christ shines in all of us and is for all of us to experience. This light never fades, no matter how far away we are from it. We have just simple allow Christ to be our light. We have to practice letting Christ be our light.

This is such a beautiful message to remember when all of the stressors, anxieties, and worries get to be too much. Christ is our light, shining in the darkness (anxiety), and shining in our hearts.

Christ be our light.
St. Elizabeth Seton, Carmel, IN

I want to leave you with a part of mass that was part of the old translation of the mass (prior to November 2011). During the Eucharist, the priest would say, "When we were lost and could not find our way, you loved us more than ever." Just remember, if you don't feel or even see the light of Christ, he is still loving you.

Should and Should Nots

Ever live your life by the shoulds and the should nots? Every Friday, I struggle to live my life by the shoulds and the should nots.

Friday, I do not work. That's just how my current job schedule has fallen. Usually, I end us spending money on things (clothes, acupuncture, food). Things to prevent me from falling into the all too common trend of fighting internally with myself of the shoulds and should nots.

This morning is no different. I started my morning off by enjoying my breakfast and coffee with my husband discussing his day and mine. It is a routine I have come to love about this stage of our life. Monday through Friday we usually read the daily readings from the Bible. Today, we were unable to do this because we accidentally turned off the alarm and John was running late.

Handsome Husband

In order to prevent myself from falling into the ever-present should/should not battle. I made a list (I love lists, thanks to Meredith). All of these items are easy to complete, except for the "Finance".

Meredith helping me put my Phi Mu pin on my wedding bouquet.
Photo courtesy of Bobbi and Mike

I like to write down all our monthly bills periodically so that we know roughly how much money we have to spend each week and month on gas, groceries, and fun. This simple task could have been very easy due to the fact that we will close on our house in NC and no longer have mortgage and utilities! However, I saw a post from an acquaintance (SuperPT) on Facebook (the death of me) that she is free from debt and just paid off her student loans. I should have been really excited for her, but she graduated 2 years ago. TWO YEARS AGO! Should/should not argument...ENGAGE!

I thought, "you can be proactive, Kristen".  Make a list of goals you would like to accomplish. Realistic goals. Realistically, I know we can not pay off my loans in 2 years. Realistically, I know SuperPT is not married and has a boat load of disposable income. Realistically, we just moved to a new state, sold our house (at the expense of most of our saving account), and I have been unable to find a full time OT job.  Realistically, God has provided for us multiple times over the past 4 months since we have moved to TN. God has showed up, like He always does, to show us everything will work out the way He had intended.

We are so blessed. We have a great marriage that we work at every day. We have amazing friends in the Nashville area, who inspire us and motivate us. We have a strong church community that we belong to. God has put these people, events, and experiences in our life to let us know that He is in control of our lives.

New Year's Eve

I am so bless to believe in a God that loves me unconditionally, no matter how hard I try to control the situation. God forgives me when I am stupidly stubborn. God believes in my abilities not matter how much I doubt them. God is great!

I am very happy for SuperPT and her ability to pay off her loans so quickly. Although, we won't pay off my loans in TWO YEARS, I am comforted by God's love for me.

Happy Friday!

Disappointment

Today was a rough day at work. Sometimes I can only take so much sadness, death and dying. Two days ago a woman who was on my caseload died of Lung Cancer from smoking. I have a new patient that was a smoker for many, many years.  This patient now has COPD (shocking) and I can't help but think of my Grandpa and my mother.

My Grandpa Alsop was such an amazing man and the reason I am now an Occupational Therapist.  He was very poor growing up, and he worked his butt off to provide for his family when my mother was growing up, working many hours sometimes 90+ a week just to put a little food on the table.  He also was a smoker, and smoked for many, many years.  I recently found out that he didn't quit smoking until I was 3 (my history might be bad).  When he got really sick, it was because of his compressed disks in his neck that paralyzed him slowly.  I remember him as a wonderful grandfather, who genuinely loved and cared for my Gramma, his children, his grandchildren and his great grandchild. I also remember him lying in bed with his salt and pepper hair, scruffy face, and a nasal cannula providing O2 in a hospital bed.

I don't have much words for my mother, or words that I want to necessarily publish. Let's just say, my mother is a smoker.  She has been smoking since 17, and she is now 56.  She stopped smoking when she got pregnant with my and I was born a healthy 8lb 14oz baby.  She didn't when she was pregnant with my sister, who was born a small 6lb baby.  When she was pregnant with Amy, she would stay up late until well after my father was asleep so she could sneak cigarettes. She promised Amy that she would stop smoking when Amy stopped sucking her thumb.  Amy no longer sucks her thumb at 24 years old, and hasn't for at least 22 years. When I was in 6th grade, I spoke to someone about my mom's smoking in the library and she said, why don't you just tell her you love her and wish she would stop. She didn't.  In fact she even got mad at me for suggesting it.  When I was between the ages of 15 and 18, I would write in my diary that I vowed that my mother would never meet her grandchildren if she still smoked, she would meet her grandchildren because she would be dead, or simply I wished she would fall off the face of the earth.  Whenever I would bring it up to her that she should quit, she would  get mad at me.  Recently, the week before my wedding last year, my mom and I had a screaming match about her health and well being that I still get so upset over. My mother has promised me over and over and over and over again that she would quit smoking and each time I have been disappointed.  All these false promises have lead to a lot of heart break.

February 7th, my mom is diagnosed with pneumonia and can't even walk from her bedroom to the bathroom without getting out of breath.  February 14th, 2013, the day that I feel my mom has made her last promise to me.  I will quit smoking by Easter.  Saturday, before Easter, my mom says she is going to quit the Monday after Easter.  Bargaining, yet again.  More disappointment, more broken promises.  May 3, 2013:  my mom is sneaking cigarettes behind my dad and my sister's back.  MORE BROKEN PROMISES.

What constantly goes through my mind is my mother will be sitting in a nursing home, in her own shit, dying from the choices she has made.  Then I get angry at her for choosing this path, when she isn't even in the nursing home yet.

I only hope that this weekend, I can truly enjoy each moment I am given.  I hope that I can turn to God for strength.  I hope that I can realize that Jesus can share my burdens and help me carry these crosses.

So needless to say, this has been a tough week.  I am looking forward to the weekend to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, the Kentucky Derby, and my best friend Sarah and her husband Jordan visiting on Sunday.

Studying for the NBCOT exam

As of yesterday I have studied 46 hours for the NBCOT exam. My goal initially was to take the test this Friday. However, our transcripts were just released on the 15th to be processed. Now I am waiting for an email from NBCOT that authorizes me to sign up for the test. I am going stir crazy.

I know I need to study and review information that isn't fresh in my mind, but I hit a mental block yesterday. I felt inadequate as a student, guilty for not studying more and anxious about the entire exam. To be honest it almost paralyzed me.

I decided I needed to do something to change my mood. I went to target to pick up some soothing and calming bath soak and drew up a bath. I powered down my cell phone and focused on breathing. Surprisingly last night I studied the hardest I have studied over the past week. Funny how just telling yourself that you deserve relaxation helps the situation. I reminded myself of that during the bath and as I was falling off to sleep last night. I deserve relaxation. I deserve peace. I deserve to be calm.

My next bug goal is to review hand injuries and splinting techniques. This is quite a large piece to review. It is also a piece that we reviewed in my first semester and didn't spend much time one, so I am sure I will have another mental battle over the next four days.

On the plus side I went for a 20 minute easy (and I mean easy) run today. I had a little pain in my right hip during the run. I really focused on stretching after the run as well so I can achieve my goal of completing a sprint triathlon in May. Hopefully I am able to return to White Lake, but this time do a sprint distance.

It feels good to finally be back to training for events!!!

First trip home as a married woman

What an interesting and amazing experience to travel "home" as a married woman! A lot has happened in the past week and I am trying to process it all.

I left my husband at our home. We have been married for a mere three months (4 months on Tuesday). Before we were married we lived an hour away and would see each other on the weekends and sometimes through the week. I was more sad than I expected. I thought I would feel like I did when I would fly home when we were engaged. This time was different.

Home was refreshing, relaxing and calming. I left all my work and school stressors in NC. I wanted my trip home to be a trip that would energize me and renew my spirit so I would come back to NC ready for the last push until graduation. I got to thinking I want to create a space in our home that provides rest and relaxation for myself, my husband and our loved ones that come to visit. This got me thinking about what it is at my parents' home that provides that for me. Consequently, I saw a piece on The Today Show about The Happiness Project and Happiness at Home, two books by Gretchen Rubin.

What is it that makes me happy?
My husband
Exercising and having me time to think listen to music and process life
My Hanover friend
Feeling loved
Sitting on the beach and relaxing listening to the ocean

A theme in the above items is "me" time. I call the shots, I determine the mood, I renew my spirit and soul.

When I am engrossed in school work, I often put my needs second, third, even tenth on the list. This is often why I long for trips home or to the beach. These moments allow me to reflect on my life and the moments that have occurred between trips home. I am able to process and be grateful for my husband and our life in NC.

Although it was difficult leaving my home it was needed for me to renew and recharge my spirit.

My goal over the next few months left in 2012 is to strive to take time for myself and continue to make our home a place where we can renew and refresh our spirits.

Labor Day Weekend

Recently, I had to visit our neighbors to pick up some mail.  Our neighbors, Shirley and Frank, are so sweet!  I knocked on the door and they gave me my mail, and instantly invited me in.  I sat and chatted with them for a good 30 minutes before heading home.  Something Shirley said really stuck with me.  She said, "Keep a journal of your marriage and life together, and label your pictures."

I had been feeling like summer was over, and I have experienced 3 months of marriage without realizing it has flown by.  I have been feeling like I wanted to slow things down and enjoy my life with John.  Shirley, gave me the best piece of advice at the perfect moment.  Funny how God puts people and experiences in your life right when you need them.

Over Labor Day weekend, John and I decided to get away.  I wanted to go on a mini vacation before I left for Indianapolis to visit friends and family.  I stressed and stressed about if I was making the right decision with my thesis defense coming up and the money it would cost for a crappy hotel room and food. My wheels started turning.

I could find a cheap hotel that would allow us to bring Missy, I would pack Pumpkin bread for breakfasts, and snacks so we could go without eating lunch.  I booked the hotel on Thursday and was packed easily by Friday morning.

John surprised me by coming home early because he had cancelled tennis practice.  We loaded up the car, box fan and all and headed to Topsail Beach.  I didn't mention to John that the last room available for dogs had 2 double bed until we were already on the road.  He thought it was funny and said Missy could have her own bed.

After a short hour and a half drive we were miles away, just the two of us.  I felt like it was a second honeymoon.  I was able to relax, feel the wind, and the warmth around me.  I have to constantly remind myself to breathe and experience the moment instead of rushing through to the next big thing.  We walked to the nearest restaurant (1 of 3 in Topsail Beach) for some pizza and a celebratory beer.  John and I were celebrating his first full week of teaching at a new school, and celebrating 1 year since John asked me to marry him.

After a relaxing dinner with lots of laughter about nothing and everything, we walked the short block from our hotel to the beach so I could hear and see the ocean.  It was absolutely beautiful with the moonlight hitting the waves as they were crashing in. John and I sat side by side, as I was overcome with immense gratitude.  I was so grateful that John got a new job, grateful that we were married, and grateful for the life God has provided for us.

This picture does not even do it justice, how beautiful the ocean was.  It is moments like this where I am reminded that God is greater than anything I am struggling with.

John and I just relaxed that evening and spent the rest of the weekend enjoying each other and the beach. Although I became anxious about my upcoming presentation near the end of the weekend, I was constantly reminded of what a wonderful man I had married.  I honestly don't know what I would do without John by my side. He provides so much strength and support that I didn't even realize was missing from my life.  The entire weekend, we just kept looking at each other saying I am so glad we are married, I'm so glad you are my husband, I'm so glad you are my wife.

So I have made a resolution to write more about our lives.  I want our children and grandchildren to be able to look back at our lives.  I would love to have more information about my grandparents relationship, and my parents relationship before my sister and me.  Shirley and Frank are onto something, and I think I should be hanging out with them more.

Love this instagram picture!  It looks like it is straight out of a 1970s photo album from my parents.

Two double beds!

Missy loved the beach and the wind from the upcoming storm.

Have you ever seen a cloud like this?

The picture of us during the summer.  I want a picture of us during each season of our first year of marriage.

The view from our room

A huge storm was brewing, and we barely made it back after getting ice cream from a run down putt putt.

One Week of Being Married

Well, we did it!  We are officially married, and it feels awesome.  I didn't think that it would actually feel different, but it does.

Immediately after our wedding, my dad picked us up at 6am the next day and we headed off to our honeymoon.  We stayed at Cheeca Lodge and Spa in Islamorada, FL.  It was absolutely beautiful, with lots of vegetation.  We were only there for four days, but it was so nice to finally celebrate together.  The first night we stayed at the lodge and split a pizza and some drinks.  We loved seeing everyone at the wedding, but were ready to just decompress and have some alone time with little interaction with other human beings.

The next night we went to Chef Michael's.  Let me tell you, the food was out of this world.  I have never been so satisfied with a meal.  When we got to Chef Michael's the bartender came up and said congratulations and brought us a bottle of champaign.  John had called ahead to order the champaign to surprise me.  I felt so special.

The final night we went to Ma's for some fish tacos and fish and chips.  After dinner, we got dessert to go so we could walk across to the Gulf of Mexico side to watch the sunset.

Now we are back to good ole Eastern North Carolina, and starting to establish routines again.  This is when it felt real that we were married.  I finally realized that my classroom work for my Master's was over.  I left my friends that I had made at ECU.  I realized I won't be packing up my things to head back to Greenville on Sunday evening.  I realized this is the beginning of the next chapter in my life.

I get a little sad at each moment in my life when I have a huge life change.  I am sad to leave the past life behind.  Whenever change happens I worry that I won't take the lessons I learned with me, or the memories with me.  However, if history repeats itself (which it always does), then I will be a better person because of the lessons and the memories.  I will always have the memories, and I will always have the messages behind the lessons.

I also get anxious to see what the future holds after a huge life change.  I want to know now what I am going to have to face, and what I will learn at the next step.  I don't really like surprises, and I like to plan for what is ahead.  Again, if history repeats itself (which it does), then I will faces those obstacles, surprises, and joys.  This time, however, I will faces those obstacles with one more person in my life, John.  He keeps me grounded, calms me down when I start to get anxious, and he makes me see the forest instead of the trees.

I believe with John by my side as well as my friends I have made along the way, and my family, I will be able to meet this change, learn new things, and make memories along the way.

I'm Getting Married

OMG!  I can't believe it.  It has finally happen, finally come.  I am getting married tomorrow.  I am filled with excitement, anxiety, nervousness, joy, and a little bit of sadness.

Image Courtesy of bobbi+mike

Three years ago I didn't think I would be able to ever find someone to love.  I am excited because I have finally found the one in whom my soul loves.  I have found someone that makes me smile when I don't want to.  I have found someone who will never leave me, and will treat me with the utmost respect always.

Image Courtesy of bobbi+mike

I am anxious because of the unknown.  I have never been married before, but I am look forward to doing life with John.  I know that we will be able to conquer anything together.

Image Courtesy of bobbi+mike

I am a little sad because I am leaving another life behind.  I don't do well with change, but I am so pumped because I will be venturing into a new life with John by my side.

Image courtesy of bobbi+mike

I hope I am able to feel everything tonight and tomorrow and remember the feelings and joy over the next few days.  I also hope that John and I will be able to always put God first in our relationship.  I hope that John and I will be able to raise children as well as my parents raised me.  I hope that in everything I will be able to breathe.  I hope that I will be able to see more of the forest and less of the trees.

Image courtesy of bobbi+mike

Tomorrow I am getting married!!!!!!!!

How did I do?

Well, I went over 2000 calories. This is really easy to do for me. I had eaten close to 2000 calories by dinner and then went and exercised. I came home and was hungry, so that put me over. I am still on track for achieving my goal. I only said I would record everything I was eating for five days, one day down.

I drank 80+ oz of water yesterday, and I exercised for 40 minutes. I treated myself by reading Real Simple instead of school reading.

Today, I will continue to log my food, lift and drink water.

My Week Goal

After a week of indulging in pizza, beer, and wings I believe it is time to get back on the healthy train. I often get into the mindset that I am doing well on my diet and exercise and take a step backwards. I feel like I got this, and then indulge. Instead of ruminating, like I usually do, I am going to move forward.

This Women's Health article has really helped me put things into perspective. 7 Ways to Stop Craving Junk Food. Instead of beating myself up for not eating healthy this weekend, I will accept it and move on. Today is another day, and my actions of the weekend do not define me as a failure. I will set a small goal for the week, and then set another goal for the next amount of time.

I choose my goal to be a week because I know it will be difficult to do with the weekend I have planned, but I wanted to challenge myself. My bridal shower is this weekend in New Bern, and my mom and gramma are coming down to see me try on my wedding dress for the first time!

Here are my small goals for the week.

1. I will record my food intake 5/7 days this week, including one weekend day, trying to stay around 2000 calories.

2. I will lift 3/7 days this week, and record my exercises in my calendar.

3. I will drink 80 oz of water 7/7 days.

Start of Another Year

Well here I am almost another year older. Getting ready to start my second, and final year of Occupational Therapy School. I am filled with more anxiety than last year. Last year everything was new and exciting. I was ready to be back in school, ready to pursue my dreams. Currently, my head is spinning with negative thoughts, thoughts of not being able to be successful, thoughts of failing and not feeling like I will be able to lead a fulfilling and meaningful life.

The irony of this thought process is Occupational Therapists are supposed to help people live more meaningful and fulfilling lives. I am learning how to help people live this type of life all while I am not successful at living said life, rather not feeling like I am living a fulfilling and meaningful life.

As I was home during our "summer break", I was reminded of what my life used to be like before school. I didn't make much money, but I did make more than my loans provide for me now. I didn't really have any real responsibilities. Yes, I did have rent to pay, loans to repay, and other living expenses, but it never felt like responsibilities. I worked Tuesday-Saturday and had two days where I did not need to think about work at all. It was wonderful. I could visit with friends and family and not feel guilty for how I spent my time. I rarely thought "I should be more efficient with how I am spending my time". Well until I started back in school, that is how I felt. Maybe I am just remembering things differently. Maybe I am thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Needless to say, it was really hard to come back to Greenville.

I have had some low level anxiety about being back, about not working hard enough, and I already feel behind on my school work. SCHOOL DOESN'T START UNTIL TUESDAY, I DON'T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK YET! I am doubting my abilities. And as an aside, those of you thinking I will drop out, you clearly don't know me.

New Year's Resolution

1. Have more faith in my abilities. I am smart, quick on my feet, and will graduate.

How I will implement...Along with my nightly gratitude list, I will write at least one thing that I am grateful for in terms of school

2. Find a balance between school, social life, relationship with John, and exercise.

How I will implement...Mentally separate these aspects. The old check your attitude at the door. Yes sometimes this will overlap, but I need to be appreciative of each moment I spend in my day.

3. Give a good effort to my classes, and thesis.

How I will implement...This will simply take me saying to myself I have tried my hardest with what I have. NO THINKING, IF I WOULD HAVE CUT OUT x I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO STUDY y MORE MINUTES!!

4. Take a few moments for myself each day.

How I will implement...I will set aside 5 minutes to do deep breathing, or yoga without distractions (no cell phones).

Well tonight is my birthday party. It is 80s themed! So excited!

Until next time

Sad

So I got really sad last night and really started missing my Hanover friends. I attributed it to the big wedding that happened this weekend in Louisville, and that I was down here missing out on the party. I brushed it off and just said I would be over it tomorrow. Well, hello tomorrow, thank you for coming, but the sadness is still lingering.

I woke up this morning smiling because I was thinking about my day yesterday and my weekend with my parents. Plus every morning I wake up when the sun is shining in my room. I used to love this in Phi Mu when the sun would shine in the rackroom. I would snuggle up with my blankets and be grateful that I was given another day, and the sunshine. I get out of bed this morning eat breakfast and decide I need to take my bike out before the rain comes. I get a nice, but short bike ride in. I get back to a text message from twitter, and I am kicked right back into that funk. I feel left out.

I chose to move down here to pursue my dreams. I knew it would take sacrifices, but I didn't fully understand how much I would miss out on. I know my life is moving forward without my Hanover/Indy friends, and their lives are moving forward without me, but it just hurts. I am sad I don't know some of the things I would if I lived up there. I am sad that "the phone works both ways". I am worried that I am focusing too much on my life down here and growing that life and forgetting about my friends. I am worried I am not balancing my life properly. I am mad that I haven't been calling Meredith on Sunday nights. I am mad she isn't calling me either. I am mad that I am not using the phone properly. I am mad that my friends are calling me either. Yes, I am busy, but never too busy to have a little catch up time. Is that why you aren't calling me? I am mad that I had no clue Rachel and BJ were getting their pictures done by Bobbi. I am mad that Bobbi didn't tell me either. Am I no longer important in your lives? Is that what is happening? Do you feel like you are no longer important in my life?

I think these feelings have always been there, but I think it has been intensified because I had to say goodbye to my parents. I am scared that I am going to fuck up things with John. I am scared I am going to become too depressed and no one will ever love me. I feel extremely vulnerable. Now I am at a crossroad. I can choose to let these emotions of sadness, and fear consume my day, or I can recognize them for the next few moments and move forward.

Moving forward, I need to recognize that with every decision in my life I have to grieve a decision I did not make, as well as the sacrifices that come along with it. I decided to move down here, I knew it would be hard. I am following my dreams and am truly happy this is the path I choose. The reward in the end will be great. Happiness and acceptance has to come from within. I can do this.