I woke up this morning smiling because I was thinking about my day yesterday and my weekend with my parents. Plus every morning I wake up when the sun is shining in my room. I used to love this in Phi Mu when the sun would shine in the rackroom. I would snuggle up with my blankets and be grateful that I was given another day, and the sunshine. I get out of bed this morning eat breakfast and decide I need to take my bike out before the rain comes. I get a nice, but short bike ride in. I get back to a text message from twitter, and I am kicked right back into that funk. I feel left out.
I chose to move down here to pursue my dreams. I knew it would take sacrifices, but I didn't fully understand how much I would miss out on. I know my life is moving forward without my Hanover/Indy friends, and their lives are moving forward without me, but it just hurts. I am sad I don't know some of the things I would if I lived up there. I am sad that "the phone works both ways". I am worried that I am focusing too much on my life down here and growing that life and forgetting about my friends. I am worried I am not balancing my life properly. I am mad that I haven't been calling Meredith on Sunday nights. I am mad she isn't calling me either. I am mad that I am not using the phone properly. I am mad that my friends are calling me either. Yes, I am busy, but never too busy to have a little catch up time. Is that why you aren't calling me? I am mad that I had no clue Rachel and BJ were getting their pictures done by Bobbi. I am mad that Bobbi didn't tell me either. Am I no longer important in your lives? Is that what is happening? Do you feel like you are no longer important in my life?
I think these feelings have always been there, but I think it has been intensified because I had to say goodbye to my parents. I am scared that I am going to fuck up things with John. I am scared I am going to become too depressed and no one will ever love me. I feel extremely vulnerable. Now I am at a crossroad. I can choose to let these emotions of sadness, and fear consume my day, or I can recognize them for the next few moments and move forward.
Moving forward, I need to recognize that with every decision in my life I have to grieve a decision I did not make, as well as the sacrifices that come along with it. I decided to move down here, I knew it would be hard. I am following my dreams and am truly happy this is the path I choose. The reward in the end will be great. Happiness and acceptance has to come from within. I can do this.
