Start of Another Year

Well here I am almost another year older. Getting ready to start my second, and final year of Occupational Therapy School. I am filled with more anxiety than last year. Last year everything was new and exciting. I was ready to be back in school, ready to pursue my dreams. Currently, my head is spinning with negative thoughts, thoughts of not being able to be successful, thoughts of failing and not feeling like I will be able to lead a fulfilling and meaningful life.

The irony of this thought process is Occupational Therapists are supposed to help people live more meaningful and fulfilling lives. I am learning how to help people live this type of life all while I am not successful at living said life, rather not feeling like I am living a fulfilling and meaningful life.

As I was home during our "summer break", I was reminded of what my life used to be like before school. I didn't make much money, but I did make more than my loans provide for me now. I didn't really have any real responsibilities. Yes, I did have rent to pay, loans to repay, and other living expenses, but it never felt like responsibilities. I worked Tuesday-Saturday and had two days where I did not need to think about work at all. It was wonderful. I could visit with friends and family and not feel guilty for how I spent my time. I rarely thought "I should be more efficient with how I am spending my time". Well until I started back in school, that is how I felt. Maybe I am just remembering things differently. Maybe I am thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Needless to say, it was really hard to come back to Greenville.

I have had some low level anxiety about being back, about not working hard enough, and I already feel behind on my school work. SCHOOL DOESN'T START UNTIL TUESDAY, I DON'T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK YET! I am doubting my abilities. And as an aside, those of you thinking I will drop out, you clearly don't know me.

New Year's Resolution

1. Have more faith in my abilities. I am smart, quick on my feet, and will graduate.

How I will implement...Along with my nightly gratitude list, I will write at least one thing that I am grateful for in terms of school

2. Find a balance between school, social life, relationship with John, and exercise.

How I will implement...Mentally separate these aspects. The old check your attitude at the door. Yes sometimes this will overlap, but I need to be appreciative of each moment I spend in my day.

3. Give a good effort to my classes, and thesis.

How I will implement...This will simply take me saying to myself I have tried my hardest with what I have. NO THINKING, IF I WOULD HAVE CUT OUT x I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO STUDY y MORE MINUTES!!

4. Take a few moments for myself each day.

How I will implement...I will set aside 5 minutes to do deep breathing, or yoga without distractions (no cell phones).

Well tonight is my birthday party. It is 80s themed! So excited!

Until next time

Sad

So I got really sad last night and really started missing my Hanover friends. I attributed it to the big wedding that happened this weekend in Louisville, and that I was down here missing out on the party. I brushed it off and just said I would be over it tomorrow. Well, hello tomorrow, thank you for coming, but the sadness is still lingering.

I woke up this morning smiling because I was thinking about my day yesterday and my weekend with my parents. Plus every morning I wake up when the sun is shining in my room. I used to love this in Phi Mu when the sun would shine in the rackroom. I would snuggle up with my blankets and be grateful that I was given another day, and the sunshine. I get out of bed this morning eat breakfast and decide I need to take my bike out before the rain comes. I get a nice, but short bike ride in. I get back to a text message from twitter, and I am kicked right back into that funk. I feel left out.

I chose to move down here to pursue my dreams. I knew it would take sacrifices, but I didn't fully understand how much I would miss out on. I know my life is moving forward without my Hanover/Indy friends, and their lives are moving forward without me, but it just hurts. I am sad I don't know some of the things I would if I lived up there. I am sad that "the phone works both ways". I am worried that I am focusing too much on my life down here and growing that life and forgetting about my friends. I am worried I am not balancing my life properly. I am mad that I haven't been calling Meredith on Sunday nights. I am mad she isn't calling me either. I am mad that I am not using the phone properly. I am mad that my friends are calling me either. Yes, I am busy, but never too busy to have a little catch up time. Is that why you aren't calling me? I am mad that I had no clue Rachel and BJ were getting their pictures done by Bobbi. I am mad that Bobbi didn't tell me either. Am I no longer important in your lives? Is that what is happening? Do you feel like you are no longer important in my life?

I think these feelings have always been there, but I think it has been intensified because I had to say goodbye to my parents. I am scared that I am going to fuck up things with John. I am scared I am going to become too depressed and no one will ever love me. I feel extremely vulnerable. Now I am at a crossroad. I can choose to let these emotions of sadness, and fear consume my day, or I can recognize them for the next few moments and move forward.

Moving forward, I need to recognize that with every decision in my life I have to grieve a decision I did not make, as well as the sacrifices that come along with it. I decided to move down here, I knew it would be hard. I am following my dreams and am truly happy this is the path I choose. The reward in the end will be great. Happiness and acceptance has to come from within. I can do this.

Overwhelming Amount of Emotions

So last night I knew I was overwhelmed with emotions and changes that were occurring. However, I didn't make time to blog like I should have when things get like this. Here is a rundown of my day.

Wake up early watch the news and drink coffee. I have found this really helps start my day right. Not rushed, and just enjoying the moment of drinking coffee and just being. I don't have many times throughout my day to just be and enjoy, so I try to start my day like this everyday.

I got showered and ready for school and was in the computer lab at 9am to work on my "special" homework for stats. Let me tell you there is nothing special about stats homework. I became so frustrated with the homework that I took a break to do other homework. Then I was renewed by a classmate's energy to finish. I completed my homework just before lunch time.

I went to Blimpie's to sit and eat my Almond Butter and Agave Nectar Sandwich on 100% whole wheat bread (just wanted to pain a picture for you). Here I reviewed my clinical assessment we were doing in the afternoon. I get a text from Lindsey saying she was picking me up to head to the elementary. We review once we get there.

I am at the elementary and feel amazing. I am so happy with where I am at, so happy that I am overwhelmed. I loved working with our 4th grader testing his reflects and protective reactions. He was such a great client because he had no fear and was really willing to participate. You say why would this make you overwhelmed? I feel like finally all the hard work, time, energy, sweat, tears, and stress have finally brought me to the path I was meant to take (Multiple times since I started my program, I have been shown this is where I am supposed to be).

I have had so many supportive people in my life that have helped get me here. I have an amazing family that supports and loves me unconditionally. But I am so blessed. God has given me so many gifts and I am so thankful and overwhelmed that I am this lucky. I am so thankful to be in this position right now, it feels like everything is falling into place. I have no reason to be stressed. I was shown yesterday that I am in the place I should be, and I am so overwhelmed. The journey to get to this point has been rocky, stressful, and sad. I left everything I knew to follow my dreams. I am overwhelmed with gratitude!

When I was lost and could not find my way, You loved me more than ever.

The little stress of stats does not need to weigh down my entire day. I can rise above this stress, and realize the gifts in my life. Every night before bed, I try to make a gratitude list of 5 things that went well in my day. This has really helped put the negative things into perspective and makes me focus on the positive right before bed. Amazing how much this helps. Try it!

This post has been all over the place, but I think I just needed to get it all out. I am so grateful and thankful for everyone in my life, past and present. I am very blessed!

Sunshine

So last night I had a wonderful night with my friends. As Dani was driving me home, I told her that I am happy. Although, I have a ton of stuff to do, I am overall happy. I am glad I decided to move to NC, to pursue school, and to have faith that everything would work out. I guess I am just thankful that I have made it through the journey thus far.

I just got back from church and I have a mix of emotions running through me. I thought I better write it down to feel better before I jump into my schoolwork. The reading was from Matthew 5:1-13, the beautitudes. My favorite. There is just something about this reading that makes me realize that I am loved.

I got my tattoo on my foot so that when I felt like no one loved me and I was crying, I would look down at my foot and see that heart. I would be reminded that no matter what God always loves me. When Father Justin was praying over the bread and wine, something struck me. He said something to the extent of God thank you for loving us, and loving us even more when we were lost.

I went through a period of my life where I didn't go to church, and just lived my life different. One of the turning points was meeting Zach. I am sitting here listening to Jarrod Niemann, What do you Want from Me. Funny. My relationship with Zach made me realize that I am a beautiful human being, not just a quick lay. I can be in a relationship and be valued for my character instead of my physical features. Although they are an added bonus. My inner character is what I want to work on. What I want to make "prettier".

So although I say I am happy, it has been a tough journey because I am trying to make my inner being "prettier". I have had more self-reflection in the past five months that I have the past five years. I am trying to figure out what makes me happy, what sets me off, how to recognize emotions and deal with those emotions instead of expressing them in an ugly way. Although, I still struggle with fear, I am able to recognize emotions I never could before.

My goal this week is to open my heart to God's love, and bring balance to my life.

Tears

So I guess I have kind of been avoiding this post all day. I wanted to write earlier, but didn't. I took a bath instead of writing. I am a little dulled by the emotional roller coaster I have been on the past few days.

I left home after spending three weeks living at my parents house. To say this was smooth sailing would be a lie. Although it wasn't horrible, I was made aware of how soon I may lose my mother. I just hate to see how horrible a diet she has, her sedentary lifestyle, and the amount of weight she has put on since I started college. She also continues to smoke, and I need to forgive her for this, but it is tough. My dad also denies that anything is wrong, and is just living his life. I am assuming like he has always done.

I also left home knowing and feeling the love from my family and friends. I am just so lucky to have amazing friends from Hanover, and amazing family (with their flaws and everything).

I also left home with a different perspective on how to fight effectively. Amy and I almost got into it, but thankfully for Rachel I was able to keep things at a conversation level. I also was proud of myself for not talking about additional issues and keeping it to the topic at hand. I went to bed crying like I used to in high school. I also woke up with puffy eyes like I used to. With every decisions you are mourning the decision you did not make. i.e. a new way a fighting vs. fighting the old and familiar way

I took off from Indianapolis and was sitting in a window seat bound for Charlotte. I saw my mom wave from the airplane as we pushed back from the terminal. I waved backed knowing she wouldn't see me. I instantly started crying. Tears were streaming down my face. I cried again right before we landed in Charlotte.

Yesterday was stressful and emotionally overwhelming. I was unpacking and trying to get everything in order for the semester. I was also trying to come to terms with everything that had happened at home. I got my stuff together enough and headed to church. It was so nice to be back and to see friends that I had made from first semester.

So last night I finally messaged a pending friend request. We messaged back and forth and finally nothing more came. If you are familiar with the song What Do You Want by Jarrod Niemann you can understand the hurt and pain from not having another message. It was like I was losing pending friend request again.

Real Housewives of ATL ended, and I was just sitting in my bed, practically paralyzed. I check facebook one last time to see if maybe, just maybe I had another message. Nothing. I am hurt and bruised all over again. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I not stay strong and avoid talking to pending friend request?

I'll tell you why...I have never, NEVER felt the emotional connect I did with pending friend request. I can't kick it. I have tried to ignore it. I have tried to stay extremely busy (which is easy to do in grad school). My mind would drift to this connection from time to time, and I would look back fondly as I would any previous pending friend request. My relationship with God completely changed because of pending friend request. Although I lost my way with another relationship, I found my way back with pending friend request. It is hard to leave this. Before I was stronger because of the hurt, now I want to continue to explore. To continue growing in faith with pending friend request.

Then the other side of my brain is saying, take it at just that. You grew with out Scott, it was difficult, but you did it. You are stronger because of it. You have so many friends in place to help me explore my faith, why can't I be content with this?

I want to tell pending friend request f**k you, I want to talk, and start over. You crushed me, and broke me down. I was completely lost immediately after this ended. I never thought it would happen to me. I believe this relationship would be in place for awhile, and was hoping it would be. I felt like I needed that shoulder, needed that crutch. I knew deep down in I could move to NC without the help of anyone, but I moved to NC with the help of you. You helped me realize that it is God that is always there to help.

I am scared to death I will not find anything like this. Any relationship where I can be completely candid about my feelings about faith and about my relationship with God. I want to raise a family that has a strong Catholic upbringing, just like my parents did. This is extremely important to me.

All along, pending friend request, I have wanted you to come back. Do I explore this and become one of those girls that aren't strong enough? I made this mistake too many times with Scott. I do not want to do it again. Why do I continue to forgive people? Why do I want the best for others? Will I attract someone like my mother, whom I want to change and help find their way?

Well, now I have completely gotten my mind rolling, and I will again struggle to fall asleep. I hope I don't see 1am again.

One last thing,

I prayed the rosary last night with so much emotion. I just let the tear flow. It was 4 months of stress lifted from my shoulders, three weeks of adjusting to my family, and 7 days of worrying about pending friend request. I felt so much better.